[job interview]
INTERVIEWER: what can you tell me about the last three years of your life
ME: just that i hope they haven’t started yet
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god bless the 1st weatherman to dress as danny zuko & plead with sandy
Back to the gym after a lengthy hiatus and noticed they made everything heavier, weird
What can you do when your in-laws give uncomfortably long hugs while greeting you?
Search their pockets. You might want to ask if they’re carrying anything sharp like knives or needles.
I know that now.
Instead of sending friends Christmas cards, is it ok If I return the ones I got and just add the words “Me too”?
Shoutout to Batman for being a true American and proving the only superpower you need is money.
*A guide to 1st dates*
Thanks for coming over.
Let me give you the tour.
This is my bedroom.
The top drawer is yours.
Where are you going?
When someone says, “I haven’t seen you in forever,” a fun response is, “I know, we’re really not that good of friends”
I like to play this game called “How busy I can I pretend to look when my boss walks by my desk.”
your come hither look says “yes”, but the way you’re opening & closing that switchblade says “no”
Me: But what about the time I saw 9 sets of footprints in the sand?
Jesus: Hey man it’s a public beach
Thinking of opening a new deli in India but I have no idea what to call it.
So I just watched Contagion and tbh, if they had watched the end of the film first, they could have saved a lot of lives.
Sorry I unfollowed you on Instagram, but you take at least 10 pics of your face everyday. I don’t even look at my wife that much.
Not to be racist but all of my kids sound the same on the phone.
I hope I never meet a genie offering one wish as picking between unlimited doughnuts or going to Sesame Street is gonna be impossible
Your password must contain a character still living in Game of Thrones
******
Password expired
******
Password expired
******
Password ex…
I just spent £16.01 in Tesco.
Cashier: ‘Have you got the one?’
Me: ‘Yes, I think I have. We’ve been together a while now.’
Cashier: ‘Eh?’
“pew, pew, pew!”
-me, pointing out seating options in a church
When I was a kid I used to yell at my grandma for drinking and driving and she was like “it’s Diet Coke” and I was like “but the tv said!” So what I’m saying is, kids really don’t know shit
Him: Mmm…you smell like a bakery.
Me: I just ate 14 croissants.
her: there’s a huge spider in the kitchen
me: I’ll take care of it[2 minutes later]
her: is it done?
me: yah, house goes up for sale tomorrow
Me, homeschooling:
If a train leaves the west coast at 7:00am traveling 60 mph and one leaves the east coast at 9:00am traveling 45 mph then what time will I get drunk and drop kick my neighbors garden gnome?
I’ve been eating healthy, so it’s not the best time to confront me on something trivial.
*cop frisking me*
Cop: “theres nothin in your pockets that will poke me, right?”
Uh, no
Cop: “OW!”
*baby porcupine jumps out*
RUN POKEY, RUN
Never bring a knife to a gunfight. Bring one of those long grabber sticks so you can take the other guy’s gun away.
If I was a princess I’d wanna be rapunzel so I could get locked in a tower and get my hair pulled.
You didn’t make the team.
*me as your life coach
*hears someone breaking in*
*grabs gun and walks down hallway*
*cord drags*
*realizes I grabbed Nintendo gun from Duck Hunt*
*gets shot*
I have never in my life learned from another person’s mistakes, I would literally let a giant wooden horse into my house right this second.
GANG LEADER: Me and my boys, we run these streets
ME: That’s great fellas. Fitness is important.
*violence noises