“Ok folks who ordered the macaroni & bees?”
“you mean cheese?”
[waiter struggling to keep bowl covered]
“that does make more sense actually”
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My in-laws are visiting…
This is their homicide note.
There was a sign at work that said, “NO MICROWAVING FISH” which is crazy because I can’t think of anything cuter than a teeny tiny fish waving
Once I read this story abt a meth addict, she’d vacuum her whole house daily, even the walls, and that alone was enough to keep me off meth.
SATAN: welcome to hell
ME: thanks
SATAN: it says here that you were sent down by heaven for *squints at piece of paper* updog. What’s updog?
ME: JUST OWNING THE PRINCE OF DORKNESS WHAT’S UP WITH YOU
*jesus appears and high fives me*
*Buys 15 feet of bubble wrap*
Cashier: “Are you moving?”
Me: “No, why?”
You paid for a vanity plate that doesn’t make sense. Good job.
Singing in the shower is all fun and games until you get shampoo in your mouth. Then it becomes a soap opera.
“We’re not so different, you and I,” Mitt Romney said to a stack of white printer paper.
My neighbor told me he heard me having sex this morning.
I was putting on my shoes.
*interview for new roommate*
Ninja: I know it’s a small place, but you won’t even know I’m here.
Her: Make me a mimosa.
Me: But we’re out of orange juice.
Her: I don’t see the problem.
💁🏻♂️
whole time I was thinking “how’s Popeye gonna top this shit” then this mf justs —
Don’t invite me over unless you are trying to secretly transfer a cursed object to me.
Me: You can’t honestly expect me to believe this house isn’t haunted; I can see the ghost walls from here.
Realtor: Those are windows.
[party]
me: ugh who invited that guy, he’s so childishher: he’s 7 and it’s his birthday
I bought Oreos for my kid’s camp and I have to drive home with them next to me and not eat them. I may not have thought this through completely
[gf falls asleep during a movie]
ME: aw
[i get a blanket]
ME: *hitting her w/ the blanket* wake up ur missing the part with gollum’s riddles
I’m vegan now but I’m still gonna eat eight spiders a year on cheat days
The secret to success is to surround yourself with people that don’t know you.
Things that are more painful to step on than a Lego:
1. A gas pedal
[last supper]
Jesus (to Judas): so your facebook status said you were anxious? Anything u wanted to say
Judas (sweating): no not really
10 out of 8 mathematicians recommend improper fractions.
Love spending a relaxing Sunday curled up with a good book as it sits next to me untouched while I scroll through twitter for three hours
Wife: *working a crossword* Seven letter word for female.
Me: Ironman
Wife: Get out!
My boss waters the fake plant outside my office and I let him continue doing it because it makes me laugh every single time
From the speed at which it’s spread I’m wondering if wordle is a symptom of omicron.
[Google search history]
Moles
How to kill moles
How to make homemade bombs
Rescue moles from cave-in
Dealing with regret
Mole stew
14 said his friends called him the “drippiest” guy there tonight. Which apparently is a good thing cause I thought he fell into a pool or something.