It’s 10:25pm and one of my kids just came downstairs and asked what’s for dinner.
I guess I need to start doing head counts from now on.
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Stick with me and you’ll go places.
None of them good, but still.
I quit dating because I’m a germaphobe and also because my husband was getting annoyed
Hey Fugeddaboutit
We mostly tweet about the velociraptors and the t rex because we don’t know what the other ones are called
when you’re broke you really start pondering. like if i didn’t buy that taco in 2018 i would have that $6 rn
Why is my long hair now up in a messy bun today? Well I leaned down to pick up something from the floor & my cat leapt out of nowhere, claws out, grabbed my hair like a vine rope over a lake & swung from it for fun.
“Penguins mate for life. Isn’t that romantic?”
You open your mouth to answer but I spit my chewed up cake into it.
“You’re my penguin.”
I’m gonna start sending women unsolicited pizza pics.
The winner of the smallest pet amphibian contest was so tiny it was my newt.
I’ve been repeating the same mistakes in life for so long now I may as well call them traditions.
Stand by me.
I need someone to blame for this air biscuit.
Scotland……because even the Romans needed to meet a group of people that made them say “Nah…just build a wall and keep an eye on em”
[kissing every meatball before loading it onto sub]
subway employee: I’m pretty sure you’re not supposed to do that
me: oh i don’t work here
water baby: when i grow up, i wanna be the ocean
water dad: with your grades, you’ll be lucky if you end up as dasani
WIFE: It’s great having kids, isn’t it?
ME: Oh yeah, it’s the best
W: How long until they go to bed?
ME: 4 hours, 17 minutes & 26 seconds
[bedtime]
Me: What’s in vegetable oil?
Daughter: Vegetables
M: And olive oil?
D: Olives
M: And baby oil?
D:
*I turn out the lights and leave
I deserve a reward for backing out of my driveway without hitting one blade of grass, a sprinkler head, or a small tree.
When someone says “No Biggie”, I reply with “not since ‘97” and immediately break down crying
Girl: do you have a condom?
Me: c’mon what’s the worst that could happen
*hears a knock on the door
4: daddy I think I started a fire
I can’t afford a vehicle with wing doors, so I buy the Tupperware with lids which open that way.
the Craigslist guy who sold me a bookshelf today showed me all the staples in his stomach from the surgery he just had. But that’s on me for forgetting to ask him to specifically not do that.
“Get at least 8 hours of beauty sleep. 9 if you’re ugly.” – Betty White
Almost hit someone with my car just to get their attention…
It’s safe to say that flirting isn’t my strong point.
If there’s a zombie apocalypse, I’m becoming a zombie.
Walking around doing nothing & eating non-stop seems like a pretty sweet deal to me.
most people don’t know this, but IKEA is a long con, funded by marriage counselors and divorce lawyers
Just havin’ brunch on my balcony, shootin’ down drones. They’re gettin’ crafty with these drones. The last one looked a lot like a bird. They all did actually. Squawkin’ and whatnot, feathers flyin’ everywhere. Nice try, drones.
Dear Electric Company,
You’re welcome. Go buy yourself something special.
-My family, every summer.
A period can completely change the meaning of a sentence. For example:
She has her umbrella.
She has her period.
The grammar police are there to ensure proper sentencing.
If your coffee shop has a passive aggressive “no wifi pretend it’s the old days” sign I’m gonna smoke in there & pay 50 cents for coffee.