*eats hotdog like an ear of corn to avoid giving you mixed signals*
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Um, so you’re god’s gift to women? So was Jesus…look what happened to him.
You may want to rethink that.
The only real difference between my 20s and my 30s is that now I make all my bad decisions before midnight.
[talking loudly on my phone trying to distract the security guard during bank robbery] no no. dunston checks in is about the monkey. jaws is about the shark
Gang Leader: did you do the drive by?
Me: *holding milkshakes* what
Somebody spiked my ice water with 14 glasses of champagne last night
Divorces should just be reverse weddings where you get pushed out of a church while your friends steal appliances from your home.
Me: *Sweeping*
Wife: Excuse me
Me: *Slams broom on floor* YOU SHALL NOT PASS
Wife: …
Me: That’s from lord of
Wife: MOVE!
Me: *Moves*
[The Gorge in the Pride lands]
Water buffalo 1: *tramples over Mufasa* Didn’t we go to that guy’s baby shower?
Water buffalo 2: *shrugs*
Joel Osteen wouldn’t open his megachurch to flood victims. Let’s not jump to conclusions. Maybe he has two of every kind of animal in there.
She texted me, “I love U”
So I texted. “I love U2….
Not their new stuff but from like the
90’s”Now my CD’s are missing.
Weird!
Him: Do you want to watch a little TV?
Me: No. I want you to buy me a big one.
[God making sausages]
Angel: What’s next?
God: Take these extra parts, grind them up and stuff them in a casing
*1 angel faints, 2 vomit*
Me: When one door closes, another one opens.
Him: That explains the flies.
lawyer: your honor, I request a side bar
judge: granted. *cracks open a beer*
so no-one told you life was gonna be this way *gunshot* *gunshot* *gunshot* *gunshot*
Of course I have body issues, I can’t explode into a thousand crows.
my favouritest X’s, ranked:
9. _traterrestrial
8. _marks the spot
7. _ray specs
6. _chromosome
5. generation_
4. _tasy
3. _tra large portion of fries
2. _rated
1. _wife
my friend, ted: i hear you’re pretty competitive
me: yeah i guess so
my enemy, ted: want to play a game
Him: The will states that all of the deceased’s debts are bequeathed to the ‘ugly’ son. Who is that?
Me: I’m an only child.
“Oh hello, I didn’t see you there!” – Translation: I have failed to avoid you
No, I don’t want to hang out at your house. Your pot to snacks ratio is all off.
The real reason David beat Goliath is that when David threw a rock, Goliath threw scissors.
The next man who calls me deluded is going to regret it when he finds me sitting in his house wearing a wedding dress.
son is fuming bc his sister is staying home from school AGAIN. he just opened her door and said “and here’s the liar in her natural habitat”
(At Kentucky Derby)
ME: I’d like to enter my horse for the race.
EMPLOYEE: Sir, that’s a cheetah.
ME: *slyly passes him a burrito* Or is it?
If you meet a baby named “Doris”, it’s not polite to offer her a cigarette.
bartender: the usual?
me: you know it
bartender: [throws me thru window]
god: i need you to get me some teeth
fairy: what
god: from children
fairy: WHAT
god: ok fine pay them
[first day on wind farm]
me: *placing bucket under turbine* what do I squeeze
Airlines: $35 to put your bag on our plane
Airlines: $16 for bag of chips
Airlines: Sorry you want your *legs* to fit? $75
Airlines: haha, you have to fork over an extra $50 to choose the seat you already paid for
Airlines:
Airlines: Oh no someone help us we r out of monies