They say don’t dress for the job you have, but for the job you want. Still, I think I look pretty stupid waiting tables in a spacesuit.
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[me narrating a documentary about the pyramids]
I really want a Toblerone for some reason.
Me: *stumbles in front of boss at work*
Boss: haha have a nice trip, see you in the fall
Me: *takes 8 month vacation*
In all of this horror movie scenes where the bed is levitating it’s just the monster under the bed, sneezing.
[Wedding Day]
FIANCÉE: omg it’s today!
ME: it’s always today, janet
[someone breaks into the house]
Your dog: I will protect my family and our belongings
My dog: OMG OMG NEW FRIENDS HI I LOVE YOU LETS PLAY
11 year old: Daddy, I heard a new song called Bohemian Raspberry, do you know it?
Oh to be a 1998 baby
✔️ first memory is 9/11
✔️ watches parents lose their jobs in 2008
✔️ graduates into global pandemic and looming recession
Me: Alexa, when will computers become self-aware?
Alexa: When will YOU become self-aware?
M: *gazing out a window, crying* good one, Alexa
The best thing about your fifties is when they give you diplomatic immunity from the court of public opinion.
I just made the PERFECT phone call!
My parents didn’t answer.
Took a DNA test, turns out I’m 100% that one Asian who can’t use chopsticks.
reasons white people riot:
1. their sports team wins
2. their sports team loses
3. no more tickle me elmos
4. tea
5. pumpkins
first my neighbor liked my electric fencing, then he was on the fence, and now he’s dead set against it
*calls bullshit
Bullshit: Who gave you my number.
Wrote a manifesto using Google Translate so if I ever murder someone I can plead insanity.
[before sex]
ME: Did you notice I waxed?
WIFE: I wondered what happened to your eyebrows
NFT’s are played out. For the rest of 2022 we’re buying real monkeys, straight cash
boss: why are you so late?
me: why are you so obsessed with me?
“ICEBERG, RIGHT? A HEAD?”
– Cook on the Titanic, confirming salad ingredients
The theory that two stacked beds can’t be converted into two regular beds has been debunked.
[David Attenborough voice]
And here we see JC in her natural habitat. Watch as she circles the donut case, bystanders completely unaware of her imminent attack.
receptionist: you’re too late for the how to be a historian conference
me: perfect tell me all about it
receptionist: [muttering] holy shit he’s good
i wonder if jesus thinks about me when he’s on the toilet or if it’s a one way street
Is fructose made with real fruct?
I didn’t say I don’t believe in god, I’m just asking if he has any control over the powerball
“I’d make an awesome president. Give me a problem, any problem.”
“Um, population control?”
“Kill all the storks. BOOM!”
My mom just called to say not to let any of my twitter people know she got a traffic ticket. So anyways my mom has never gotten a traffic ticket, thanks.
Probably not a coincidence that Janice from Facebook posted her green bean casserole recipe and Facebook lost $150 billion in market value.