Tandem parachute instructor: Is this your first time?
Me: No I’ve been terrified loads of times
Tandem parachute instructor: I meant doing this
Me: Oh yes, first ever hug and I like it
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Optimus Prime’s mom walking in on him while he’s carjacking
sorry I’m late. I tripped on my cat and so had to kiss him for 45 minutes
DOCTOR: your blood pressure is high
MY BLOOD PRESSURE: oh shit is it obvious
I just did my own taxes for the first time and I’m glad I did because I’m getting 8 million dollars back this year!
Not doing anything with my life is surprisingly time consuming
You ever come home early from work and Alexa sounds disappointed?
You ever stare at your face in the mirror for so long you don’t even recognize yourself anymore & then realize you haven’t been staring into a mirror at all but a piping hot broccoli casserole?
[This zoom meeting I’m in right now]
Everyone: *EVERYONE TALKING AT ONCE*
Everyone:
Everyone: *EVERYONE TALKING AT ONCE*
Everyone:
Everyone: *EVERYONE TALKING AT ONCE*
Everyone:
The overwhelming majority of haunted stuff happens in hallways and stairways, which is why a studio apartment is the best choice ghost-wise.
I may not know much about a lot of things, but this fact I’m sure of:
A smoke detector battery will never go dead during the day.
why stack your tupperware when you can chunk it into the cabinet and close the door before it falls out.
Neighbor kid brought other kids to visit today and I’m thinking about sending them all home with cats. That’s the risk you take when you let your children wander into my yard.
wowww it’s 2021 here in korea!! wanna know what the future is like?!!
– it is dark out
– everyone is asian
– my grandma is gently snoring
Covid like
i don’t always carry my groceries on one arm but when i do my keys are in the wrong pocket
[the cops release the cadaver sniffing dogs into my living room for the third time this week]
ME: *pauses netflix* I told you I’m not dead!
Me: *standing on the subway platform*
Subway employee: “Sir, your feet are in the salami.”
How’s virtual school going for you? I’ll start.
My son was late to his PE class because he was making nachos.
You can’t simply wear purple corduroys, you must sport them
Newton’s amended 1st law of motion:
Objects dropped on the floor by teens will remain at rest for months unless acted upon by an angry Mom.
A meal so good, you want to position it on a couch and use it as the subject of a charcoal drawing that’ll survive one of the great maritime tragedies in history, only to be recovered 84 years later in a safe full of brine and grime and beautifully restored via mini power washer.
Me: I’ll remember this verification code and don’t need to write it down.
Me two seconds later: Oh no!
My husband has short term memory problems so I’ve stopped brushing my hair.
That way he thinks we’ve already had sex & leaves me alone.
My neighbor was complaining about my cat pooping in her flower bed but I didn’t have the heart to tell her it’s actually my kids.
My mom always has these great sayings for life, like “Don’t count your chickens before they hatch” and “Everybody hates you.”
Ate a bowl of Captain Crunch Berries this morning. With blatant disregard for the roof of my mouth.
-thug life
Not to brag, but I’ve seen Barbie naked.
Tomorrow’s forecast seems ominous.
I’m putting on weight for a movie
*eats popcorn in cinema
How many instruments do you have to be terrible at before you start playing the triangle?