My liver’s so black, it went to a respected college, got a great job, and made it’s family very proud.
Weren’t expecting that, huh?
Racist.
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“cinnamon toast shrimp guy turned out to be a milkshake duck just like bean dad” is a sentence I desperately wish I did not understand
Hell hath no fury like a woman who doesn’t remember asking you to wake her up from a nap
“There’s a creepy bleeding witch who doesn’t look friendly. She has cheese though.”
– my husband, deciding whether to interact with a character in a video game
I don’t ever use my blinker. It’s nobody’s business where I’m going.
I call all dogs ‘puppies’, regardless of age. They like it.
Still not over my son telling me the toilet was smoking, and I rushed upstairs to this
My wife told me to get a real job or pack my bags!
What an idiot! Who threatens someone with a vacation???
I always carry a jar gripper with me in case I’m ever stranded on a deserted island with a jar of salsa. I also always carry a jar of salsa.
[guy who’s about to invent politics]
*getting along with everyone* this just won’t do
[Son’s 1st day of school]
Me: Did you make any friends today?
Son: Yes!
Me: *kneels down next to him* how do you do that?
ME: Michaelangelo painted the Sistine Chapel on his back?
GF: Yep
M: [2 hours later] How did he reach the bit between his shoulders?
Do you think anyone fired from Twitter is decamping to their picturesque home town where their parents are about to put them in charge of a local Christmas project, and their only assistant? a handsome carpenter (who’s single)
If I go missing, please understand, I have lied about my weight on my license, dramatically.
My older daughter lives in a constant state of incredulity because everything she hears is “the dumbest thing [she’s] ever heard.”
Email from my mom: What’s my email address?
Imagine the time we’d save if we could just normalize best friends sitting in on marital discussions and arguments so we wouldn’t have to relay all the details later.
I’m amazed they make so many cars without turn signals. Seems like that would be a requirement on a vehicle.
My second child was so overdue, when we left the hospital we dropped her off at kindergaten.
Ordered a pizza. Delivery guy and I talked for 45 minutes about swords and he got fired. Now he lives here, we’re gonna fight crime together
As my friend confessed, “My teenage daughter never even talks to me,” I struggled to conceal my jealousy.
Whenever I go down the stairs next to an escalator, I always move faster than the escalator to prove to the people I made the better decision
BOND: The name’s Bond. James Bond.
ME: That’s a weird way to say your name, dude.
BOND: I’m a spy.
ME: You are bad at all parts of this.
is this store having a stroke wtf
Spider bucket list:
1. Eat flies
2. Don’t get squashed by a crazy screaming lady when all I’m doing is eating flies
3. Meet Peter Parker
I’m disgusted every time someone does a gender reveal and it’s a gender I already know about, what kind of reveal is that
My circadian rhythm is a cat lost in a corn maze.
Food that tastes nothing like its name:
egg roll
pineapple
hamster
I woke up and put my glasses on and then started looking for my glasses so I’m guessing it’s Monday.
[comedy club]
Worm: And what’s the deal with dandelion stems? Right? Right?!
Other worms: *silence*
Early bird: *cracking up*