My wife just opened my car door for me.
Would have been a nice gesture had we not been going 70mph.
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Why don’t they just call what pallbearers do “The Deadlift”?
Imagine a world without pizza.
No, no, stop crying this was just pretend I’M SORRY TRY AND CONTROL YOURSELF I’M SORRY
Who called the feminine product brand “Always” instead of “Periodically”?
Cat owners aren’t lazy. They’re just often paralyzed for hours because the supreme ruler of the house is sleeping on their lap.
My neighbor is a real douche & always cheating on his wife, so I changed my wifi to KARL IS CHEATING ON YOU AMY for when she needs my wifi.
Why you on this flight to LA?
“I’m shooting a pilot for a new TV series”
What’s it called?
“So you think you can emergency land a plane?”
I’ve started picking furniture up off the side of the road, restoring it, and then selling it on Facebook in order to finance my expensive new hobby, which is picking furniture up off the side of the road and then restoring it to sell on Facebook.
Husband: you’re in great condition.
Me: are you complimenting me or writing a craigslist ad?
My wife just yelled at me for not warning her that I was about to sneeze if any of you are thinking of getting into a relationship.
the saddest part about self driving cars will be all the times people die mid trip and then ur dinner guests or pizza guy will arrive dead
[creating humans]
God: They will have a powerful immune system
Assistant: Boring
God: ok some will die from eating a peanut
A: Nice, nice
[murder trial]
LAWYER: So you unplugged your wife’s life support for five minutes?
COMPUTER TECH: Sometimes that works.
Excuse me while I go powder the inside of my nose.
I was stopped at a red light when I noticed the car next to me trying to play charades. I didn’t want to play, but I could tell they REALLY wanted me to get it! We all played our best game of charades. Got it before the green light. Turns out my lights weren’t on.
I’m fine with you not liking my tweets, as I’m adult enough to deal with it. Also, your moms a whore.
You can always count on me to bring my famous recipe of “bag of ice” to your summer cookout.
Why’d they call it an “aquarium” instead of a “Here fish-see fish-see”
For someone who said “Correct me if I’m wrong…” you seemed genuinely surprised and upset when I did.
People give babies a hard time but if objects were constantly disappearing around me I’d be crying too.
Is it just me or does this cat look like someone’s grandpa
I cannot call her anything else now
My webcam business is failing, it’s like men would rather not pay to watch me cry.
You should never text and drive. All it takes is one moment of distraction and suddenly everyone in the group chat thinks you can’t spell.
Anime henchmen two seconds after the protagonist resheaths his sword
[first date]
HER: if you had to give up one of your senses which one would you choose?
ME: definitely my ability to see dead people.
HER:
me: I can’t decide what to have
waiter: what about the duck?
duck: I’ll have lasagna
Criminal Tip:
Buy a gun from a guy off the streets.
As soon as he sells it to you, point it at him & get your $$ back.
Free gun.
If my memory serves me, the last time I was someone’s type, I was donating blood.
[sees annoying coworker at store]
Him: Hey, what’s new?
Me: [gets right up in his face] Stuart, EVERYTHING in here is new.