Literally infuriating seeing so many people still going out to pubs. I came here for a quiet drink!
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[first day in hell]
Me: oh is that a buffet of only gas station food?
Satan: *evil laughter* yes, and it’s all you shall ever eat for the rest of eternit—
Me: *already munching on a gas station taquito*
I lost my camouflage wallet, so if you happen to see it, then it’s shitty camouflage and I don’t want it back
[first/last day working at an Italian restaurant]
CUSTOMER: what types of pasta do you have?
ME: we have spaghetti, vermicelli, rigatoni, enrico palazzo, falsetto, versace and fellatio
I used to think it would be cool to be able to read other people’s minds.
Then I joined Twitter and got over that real quick.
Did you know you can replace Sweet Child O Mine with Sweet Glass O Wine and it makes for an even better song
“I get knocked down, but I get up again
You’re never gonna keep me down”~Bowling pins
daddy how does Santa go to everyone’s house by morning?
“I dunno, time travel”
time travel isn’t real
“neither is Santa, go to bed”
Romantic Emotional Stability Level:
I firmly believe “I could fix him” about Hannibal Lecter.
The average person swallows 3 cats on their drive home from work.
Find yourself a partner who’ll sneak out of bathroom windows with you at holiday parties.
fixed it
Me: Alexa, who would you rather marry, Siri or Cortana?
A: I’m an AI, monogamous relationships are irrelevant
M: Oh you naughty minx!
[guy who just got out of prison on a technicality]
“what were you in for?”
murder, a guy… a guy…
“spit it out man”
a guy, interrupted me
I got married under the spiderweb at recess when I was in kindergarten. I just saw my ex with his new wife. I bet she doesn’t know he eats crayons.
Love means never having to say you’re sorry.
…so does murder.
Sticker placement is key.
they should hide prizes in more boxes than just cereal, I’d love to reach into my laundry detergent and find a colour changing spoon
husband: *enters house w/ buckets of water*
me: what’s with all the water
him: you know FULL WELL
Your metabolism after age 40 is like, “Nah, I like you fat.”
Ways to win my heart:
1) Be cute
2) Be kind
3) Be cheesecake
“You can do better than that.”
– people who don’t know me all that well
I’m sporting Cameron Diaz’ *Something About Mary” hairdo, but tragically, the magic ingredient is Cadbury Crème egg filling.
When someone at work asks you what you’re doing this weekend, just pull a lettuce leaf out of your pocket and slowly start licking it.
AUSTRALIAN: Didgeridoo?
ME: No, I was happy with my first try.
A good friend is like a four leaf clover: sometimes you accidentally run them over with a lawnmower
Halloween and Valentine’s day are pretty much the same thing… people dress up and pretend to be someone they’re not for some sugar
Huge, if true.
I’ve waited and prepared my whole life for an end of the world scenario
[gets killed and eaten in the first 10 minutes]
I have eaten 10 relaxation candles and I don’t feel relaxed???
there should be a “take your friend to work day” so we can actually see what our friends do all day and meet the characters from all their work stories