As the wounded oyster mends it shell with pearl, so shall I mend my wounded ego with my signature homemade potato salad
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Donald be careful.
Donald watch out.
Donald look both ways.
Donald Duck!
Me [wearing a sick mask]: ᴳᵒᵒᵈ ᵐᵒʳⁿᶦⁿᵍ!
Neighbor: Oh no! You have the flu?
Me [completely shredded my mouth eating Cap’n Crunch for breakfast]: … ʸᵉᵖ
If your kids aren’t drinking enough water, tell them it’s bedtime.
Sex so good my Fitbit gave me a trophy.
😅😅😅
[running away from killer]
KILLER: YOU’RE GONNA TRIP ON YOUR SHOELACES THEN I’LL GET U
ME: MY SHOES ARE VELCRO
KILLER: NOOOOOOOOOOOO
me: you can get hurt when you don’t listen. daddy and I watched a show last night about a kid who lost his eye because he was being bad
6: what happened?!
me: well, he stole a dragon but that’s not the point
That seems a conundrum…
🤔
Having a child doesn’t make you a father. Sneezing as loud as you can after cutting the grass does.
GIRL: l’m tired of bad boys and their bs. I want a good boy, for a change.
ME [clearly a golden retriever]: *turns to camera and winks*
You ever randomly hear your mom singing ‘Candy Shop’ and then die a little inside?
You know you’re sick when your girlfriend asks if you’re feeling okay instead of the usual eye roll after spitting up a lung.
her: cute dog, what’s his name?
me: this is indiana jones
her: oh cool from raiders of the lost ark!
me: no [picking up poop] he’s not been in any movies
Homophobia isnt much about fear, true, but I wish it was more like Arachnaphobia(I heard that every year in your sleep you swallow 7 gays)
Why does Sea World have a seafood restaurant? I’m halfway through my fish burger & I realize, Oh my God…I could be eating a slow learner.
*looks back seductively*
[walks into doorframe]
Me: Got any more of those debbled eggs?
Friend: Did you just say DEBBLED eggs?
Me: No, I said the right thing…
There is really no good way to work “garçon” into dirty talk and yet that hasn’t stopped me from trying.
My shoes have cute flowers on them so of course I’m looking at those instead of watching where I’m going
[restaurant]
*motions for waiter*
Waiter! Bill please!
*Bill comes out & dances embarrassingly to entertain me & the guests*
Thanks Bill!
I have achieved immortality.
I found a mysterious lamp and sure enough there was a genie inside.I wished that I won’t die a virgin.
interviewer: if i said the meat here isnt real how would you sell it
me: our chicken really is somethin else
interviewer: welcome to subway
The horror when you realize you’ve drunk DMd a picture, the relief when you see it’s you holding your neighbor’s new puppy.
I learned two things today:
1) my mother-in-law is coming over for dinner
2) it takes me 1 hour 47 minutes to get home from work in idle
HER: What’s your cell plan?
ME: Bodily decay over decades until inevitable mortal collapse. You?
HER: …
ME: …
HER: … V-Verizon.
Monopoly banker (inspecting check): Um, I’m gonna have to call the manager.
Giant metal shoe: I’ve been doing business here FOR 20 YEARS.
Do regular squirrels think flying squirrels are super heroes??!
“Does anybody in the car have a heart condition?” I ask as I slide my Smash Mouth CD into the radio.
A fun thing to do when someone shows you a picture of their new baby is to look confused and just say “I don’t get it?”
As I get older, I don’t refer to myself as “well seasoned”.
I’m more “fermented”.