*first date*
Her: I’m a criminologist.
Me, trying to impress: I have six bodies in my attic.
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God: We’ll call it a “dolphin”.
Angel: And it’s like a friendlier shark?
God: Turn its frown upside down.
Angel: That’s not much of a diff-
God: Give it a sideways tail.
Angel: O…kay…
God: Punch a hole in its noggin.
Me: Grab me the red one
Dog: Not funny
INTERVIEWER: Why did you leave your previous job?
ME: Because once they fire you they won’t let you stay.
When ur friends with white people
date: I come from a broken home
bob the builder: *bites lip* how broken
I’m going to need all parents to listen to me when I say “LOOK AT THE DIMENSIONS OF THE DOLLHOUSE BEFORE PURCHASING”.
Just trust me on this one.
Signed,
Proud owner of a small house that would probably fetch $1100/month on Zillow.
*Backstreet Boys voice*
Am I acceptable?
My friends are fully aware that our designated meeting times are rough estimates.
Husband: Why are you always talking to yourself?
Me: Because she agrees with me.
Also me, to me: Is he always like this?
Son #1 put our house on Yelp and left a review that said the food is good but the kitchen staff is grumpy.
For most people when you lose your “khakis” you’ve lost your pants.
When you’re from Boston & lose your “khakis” you can’t start your car.
“Does this hurt?”
“YES!”
“What about this?”
“OW!”
*Dr. writes notes*
“Patient shows symptoms of pain when stabbed with knife. Keep updates.”
I like to help my wife cook by standing in front of whichever cabinet door she needs to get into at any given time.
I am delighted to announce that endless online arguing is saving humanity
Don’t let the correct punctuation fool you; I’m basically a 4 year old with good grammar.
why are they called stepfathers and not faux pas
Always take one positive friend & one negative friend on road trips. Then if your battery dies, you can hook cables to them & start your car
In an attempt to build some exercise into my daily routine, I’ve put the biscuits on a higher shelf. Boy, I’m gonna be sore tomorrow.
I am a fool everyday I don’t need a holiday for it
My wife didn’t cover her yawn so I opened my mouth too and I totally won the silent screaming contest.
*turns my phone upside down like a tip and strip pen*
Everyone naked?
[text]
me: miss you, love you, wish you were herepizza delivery driver: sir, we said 30 min or less
ME: I think I chipped a tooth
GOLF INSTRUCTOR: let’s try a ball next time
Age 8: “Being a werewolf would be fun!”
Age 18: “Being a werewolf would solve all my problems.”
Age 28: “Being a werewolf is an escapist power fantasy for emotionally stunted children.”
Age 38: “Being a werewolf would be fun AND it would solve all my problems!”
“How old are you” Fine thanks, how old are you
Me: My Amazon order arrived!
Him: What did you get?
Me: *scratches behind dragon’s ears* Nothing important.
Him: New happy pills?
Me: Maybe.
A treadmill minute is four times as long as a sleep minute.
My son made us all hide then jump out and yell ‘surprise!’ for his birthday. If you guys aren’t planning the same for my birthday on Tuesday, it’s gonna sting
Every morning I announce that Im going for a jog, but then I don’t go…
it’s a running joke…