Lost in the desert, you scan the horizon with your device. To the east, you see the leaning tower of Pisa. To the west, you see the familiar pillars of Stonehenge. That’s when you realize you should have brought binoculars instead of a Viewmaster.
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i’ll see your “live laugh love” sign and raise you an “ew, people”
any boring old meeting can become a seance if everyone works together
If I hold my phone upside down it looks like you have replied to my text and I’m ignoring you.
I don’t moan during sex, I prefer to yodel.
He’ll be directing planes to the gate in no time.
#PayInHay
#Kerching
if eating salty stuff at night makes you puffy in the morning why doesn’t sugar make you fit and contoured
Darth Vader: *chops of Luke’s hand* You underestimated what I’d do if you touched the thermostat!
Luke: Wait, you’re my dad?
Amazon Review: A History of Criminals
★★★☆☆Not a bad book. Prose and cons.
This Halloween, I’m going as the one thing more unsettling than a serial killer: someone interested in serial killers
*Corrects the grammar on your Christmas card and mails it back*
Wife: Sleep tight, don’t let the bed bugs bite!
Me: Haha funny.
[under the mattress]
Bed Bug King: TONIGHT WE DINE IN HELL *tiny drums bang*
People saying I should stand up for myself have never sat in this bean bag chair.
*zips up tent*
[Wife]: What happened
[Me,scratched up & clothes ripped]: I was uh..
*flashback to me being chased by a bee* wrestling a bear
Hot shingles in your area are looking to give your dermatomes a painfully good time!
Hey Dads who think that being home with the kids alone is called “babysitting”. You’re wrong. It’s called “parenting”. Not the same.
Daddy, where do oranges come from?
Well son, when a red and a yellow really love each other…
3yo: dad I’m swimming!
Me: amazing but try not to drink so much of the water!
3yo: I keep drinking the water!
Me: I know don’t drink the water!
3yo: I just drank more of the water!
Me: please stop drinking the water!
3yo: my belly hurts!
Dear axe body spray,
Could you Please put a suggested spray size on your deodorant bottles.
Best regards,
Asphyxiated girls everywhere.
“NEVER MIND, WE GOT ONE.”
What do we want?
“A TIME MACHINE.”
When do we want it?
Facebook’s great for when you wanna see a picture or a joke you saw on Twitter four years ago
It’s Friday after 2, setting automatic replies in outlook to just say “Chimichanga” with no further explanation.
You know that tingly little feeling you get when you like someone? That’s your common sense leaving your body.
Doctor: I have good news and bad news
Me: What’s the good news?
Doctor: The good news is you’re alive. The bad news is you’re going to have to diet and exercise to stay that way
Pro-tip Ladies, try to refrain from plucking that one crazy hair from his nose while he’s sleeping. He won’t think it’s as funny as you do.
$4.99 for a box of saltines? My neighborhood grocery store thinks it’s a Whole Foods now.
“Boo!” — cow with a cold
Server: Want one of our famous milkshakes?
Me: Well, I saw your yard and it was empty.
Server: Huh?
Me: No boys.
Server: Huh?
Me: No thanks.
[50 years from now]
*visiting husband’s grave*
“I wanted to let you know that after all these years I’ve finally figured out where I want to go to eat.”
Every so often I Google my name hoping someone stole my identity and made a better something out of myself.