Avril: I want a divorce. You aren’t a sk8er boi. So see ya later boi.
Chad: This is how you remind me of what I really am?!
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[Not realizing Black Mirror episode is just stuck buffering]
“Ah yes, this is excellent social commentary”
It’s Saturday, so I’m as lazy as the guy who drew the Japanese flag.
I remember when it was just limbo dancers asking “how low can you go?”, now it seems like everyone in the news wants to answer that.
Don’t think of it as losing followers, think of it as frustrating bots to the point they go away
I’m not even going to try to be understood today. If you hear nonsense, that’s what I said.
I’m a PROUD bidet user, but it didn’t occur to me how losing power in 0° weather would affect the water temp. I think I just had what could be called a religious experience with that bidet. Like, I saw things.
Ok hear me out ….A smoke detector that turns off when you scream “I’m only cooking “
Pretty sure these are the same ingredients in my shampoo.
-me, reading the Pringles can.
“I want you inside me.”
-says the quotation marks to the period-
Yeah I go to the gym.
Today I will be working on my uh…cordyceps.
I will judge you by how much dust is on your ceiling fan
Wife: you are the wind beneath my wings
Me: [spraying air freshener] sorry
Amazed I’ve never been framed for murder I shed more than a golden retriever
Scientists: You’re all going to die. The Earth is doomed. Life is pointless.
Also: We spent millions on a woolly mammoth meatball no one can eat.
One of these days I’m going to see a video on Tik Tok that tells me I have been breathing wrong my whole life and I’m just gonna stop.
Stephen is a much nicer name than “hen from a previous marriage.”
Professor X: what’s your superpower?
Me: forgetting everyone‘s name immediately after we met
Professor whatshisname: get out
My kid said that bagels are just sad donuts, so obviously he’s broken and I have to return him.
If Pringles really wanted the fun to never stop they’d make those tube things like 5 feet long.
My husband swears he doesn’t read my stupid magazines, so I guess we have a ghost that leaves my Entertainment Weekly in the bathroom.
You get a green perennial vegetable, you get a green perennial vegetable, EVERYBODY GETS GREEN PERENNIAL VEGETABLES!
– Okra
i think they should have thrown one avenger in with all the scientists in oppenheimer. just one little tiny scene where oppenheimer, feynmann, and fermi are sitting around like “well, what do you think, Ant Man?”
Me: I just want to be able to afford to eat sometimes
Wife: What about me and the kids?
Me: I’M NOT A CANNIBAL YOU IDIOT
“Is there a Mrs. Prime?” — EVERY GIRL TRANSFORMER EVER, I MEAN LOOK AT HIM
Cop: Know why I stopped you?
Me: Cuz you SMELLED THIS DONUT?
*tosses donut out window*
Cop: …
Me: Aren’t you gonna go get-
Cop: Get out.
I don’t eat some foods.
-vagueans
Women always find me interesting and mysterious on the first date.
I knew that the fog machine under the table was a good idea!
My ex was saved in my phone as “the antichrist” until my children were able to read.
I taught my 4yo niece to play poker today. It got pretty cutthroat, & I’m now the proud owner of a Barbie Dream house & her entire Hatchimal collection.
I saw a car with “Wash Me” written on it, so I set it on fire. I’ll be damned if I’m going to allow cars to become sentient!