WITCH (using her broom for just sweeping): did we give up our dreams?
WIZARD (using his pointy hat as a piping bag for cupcake icing): yes
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Me: Now watch this amazing parallel parking job…
Wife: *Eyes roll
Me: You can’t see it with your eyes up there
I’m proud of my age even if my birth certificate was carved in stone.
Curiosity should start overthrowing the local government and drilling for oil any minute now.
It is truly easier to forgive your enemies than figure out how to limit their access to your facebook page.
I’m so talented I can not only spill food on my clothes but I can get it on yours too.
Baby proofing is like trying to plug a giant hole with your finger, much more effective is to duct tape your child to the floor in the middle of an empty room
[creation of kangaroo]
God: give that bouncy dog a fanny pack
Angel: *hands bouncy dog a fanny pack*
God: no no like build it into its stomach hahaha
Angel: again with this shit
“Don’t bite the hand that feeds you” maybe just don’t bite hands. Shouldn’t have to qualify it
[Opens hand sanitiser]
SUbmiT YoUr SOuL
tO EternAL HeLL fiRe
[closes lid]
wtf?
[looks at label]
LINDA YOU BOUGHT HAND SATANISER AGAIN
My hair looks amazing today. I hope I see everybody I hate.
Dads will be like “I don’t cry” but then get misty-eyed thinking about how beautifully they backed into a parking spot
I threw out a jar of expired protein powder and some jacked up raccoons beat the shit out of me a week later.
A coworker gave me an invitation to her wedding in case you were wondering why this paper airplane I’m making has lace on it.
I ran a whole 5K and didn’t even eradicate cancer
I’m always behind the person at McDonald’s who acts like they’ve never seen the menu in their life
I had to drop off a fecal sample for my cat and the vet gave me a form. The last question was, “Do you want your container back?”
HER: I love Game Of Thrones
ME(trying to impress her): I slept with my sister
I don’t want to house hunt, I only do it to keep house populations in check.
” Wife: there is a man at the door with a mustache.
Husband: tell him i’ve already got one. “
After Michael Jordan joined a religious order, he was known as Air Friar.
Witness: I saw the defendant stabbing the victim.
Lawyer: Objection! Witness is ugly!
Judge: Sustained. Jury will disregard the statement.
HAGRID: You’re a wizard, Harry.
ME: I’m not Harry.
H: Henry, you’re, there’s a blizzard.
M: Are you drunk?
H: Glenn, I’m a tugboat.
7: MOMMY!
Me: *flys out of bed* What’s wrong?
7: I don’t know what time it is
Me: It’s the middle of the night
7: Then why are you awake?
In hindsight, when I caught up with my old friends and told them their kids were shooting up, I should have clarified I was talking about their height.
[family WhatsApp group]
me: I’ll visit this weekend
dad: OK
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…mom: bring a sweater, it’s cold
Me: [sobbing] Don’t you have anything left to give me? Are you that empty inside? How can you be so cold?
Fridge: Boy, you knew who I wuz.
Me, walking around the limbo bar: Imbeciles
[leaving Hooters]
Wife: you thought there’d be owls
Me: *wiping away one tear* of course not don’t be ridiculous
Calling it Quarantine:
-boring
-sad
-lonely afCalling it house arrest:
-sounds like you do crimes
-you’re a bad boy now
-cool as heck
How wrong was this guy?