Every so often my wife sends me these cute texts like “Heyyy” and “Come upstairs, your kids clogged their toilet”.
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Date – “so they had no other chairs?”
Me [sitting on an alpaca] “no”
In any relationship, you have to accept some of your partners quirks & they must accept some of yours. Some people chew loudly. Some people snore. Some people leave the door open so a large opossum can sleep on the couch because he likes the couch & it’s too cold outside anyways.
Therapist: What brings you to couples counseling?
Husband: [rolls eyes] My wife says I “exclude her.”
Therapist: Where is your wife by the way?
If you love someone, tell them.
If they make a throat slash motion when they see you coming, it’s probably not reciprocated.
*first date*
Me: Tell me more about you
Her: *crazy eyes* WELL I HAVEN’T STABBED ANYONE LATELY
Me: *deletes Tinder* Let’s get married!
Whenever a guy boasts he has a party in his pants, I always ask him to prove it.
If he’s not packin nachos, beer and M&Ms, I’m going home.
I’ve written a musical called Fish. It’s very similar to Cats, although Memory’s a lot shorter.
[robbing a bank]
accomplice: nice pantyhose
me: thanks
accomplice: on your face next time tho ok
[job interview]
“So what are your goals for working here?”
To be home by 5
This is painfully accurate 😅
Her: Wtf? I thought I asked you to vacuum?…look at all this dog hair in the corner???
Me: No…Don’t touch it! (whispers) I hid one of the eggs under there.
me: can i buy you a drink?
her: i’m getting married at 5
me: cool so we have 2 hours
people say all kinds of stupid things, my favorite is hello.
Doctor: “You have a hip injury.”
Me: “I am very trendy.”
Your perfume/cologne should reward someone for getting close, not punish them for being in the same building.
Me to wife: “I don’t need a grocery list, it’s only three things.”
Also me: *Forgets two of the three things and comes home with a llama*
them: where do you see yourself in five years
me: i don’t make long-term plans in case of the rapture
I’m not a regular Mom.
I’m a “YOU BETTER DIE IN YOUR VIDEO GAME BECAUSE DINNER IS READY IN 5 MINUTES!” Mom.
While America is suffering administrative paralysis, we should sneak in and change their spellings to the English ones, and replace the missing ‘u’ in their words.
if you’re a young person, ask a middle-aged man what music they listened to in the 90s. let them talk for 30 mins. act interested and say “oh wow no way that’s so cool.” after that you can ask them for any favor
Psychiatrist – If you’re stuck in an elevator who would you want to be stuck in there with?
Me – An elevator repairman.
Me *googling* are people who steal ducks called abducktors or kidquackers?
FBI agent monitoring me: *reaching for whiskey* Jesus Christ
Fe
Fi
Fo
Fum
Rhyme scheme tweets are kinda dumb
If I’m your lawyer, we’re in jail
acme was just mailing bombs and rockets and shit to a dog
I’ve never been on a diet but one time I had to wait until my wife left the kitchen so I could sneak some more cookies before dinner.
Just had lunch with my 3rd grader at her school. She got embarrassed when I tried to kiss her. So, like any good mom, I started twerking.
Son told me “Make me a sandwich, woman” and now I have one child instead of two
My kid told her teacher that we were late because her Mom had to poop and I see why some animals eat their young.
I just read an article about a man swept out to sea during a baptism. I guess that’s God’s Way of saying “Nope”.