I’m completely over my ex, is the name of my poem to her
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Everyone’s a gangster until the grocery store switches their aisles around.
My kid: look mumma this coin is really really old!
Also my kid: still younger than you though…
Ended my night saying “Stay goofy!” to a Waffle House waitress, and she replied: “You KNOW I will!”
Bringing back the word zoinks but only for when someone shows me their baby.
Hotels be like, it’s $150 a night and you’re staying 2 nights so that brings your total to $947.43.
*wipes off Chapstick
Weigh me now
Special shout out to the CIA, who were pouring cold water on people BEFORE the “ice bucket challenge” made it cool
*runs into the back of wife’s leg with the grocery cart for the 5th time*
me: We meet agai-
wife: Go wait in the car
me: Ok
Every time I get my period, I think well that explains the last few days
ME: (peeing in the corner of the elevator)
GUY: We’re not even stuck.
Woke up this morning, looked in the mirror & said out loud, “You gotta bring it today!”
SO I’M GONNA BRING IT!
*brings lunch to work*
“He has no self control!” I mutter angrily as I try to sneak an oreo and realize my husband already finished them
[bankruptcy court]
JUDGE: *rubbing bridge of nose* Says here you bought 1000 bouncy castles?
ME: *lips on mic* For my kingdom, Your Honor
The letter n always has to be the centre of attention.
What’s your zodiac sign? I’m a banjo wizard.
I taught myself how to play the drums and I’m not very good at it. How can I tell if I’m a bad drummer or a bad teacher?
I saw my dog eat yellow snow this weekend… and I’d still take her advice before yours.
“Catch me if you can, officer.”
*Seductively winks.*screams as police dog takes me down.
[In cubicle at work]
*pretends to start clipping my nails*
*tosses uncooked grains of rice onto co-workers desk with each clip*
CW: WTF!
SHOUT OUT TO ALL THE PREGNANT LADIES GETTING READY FOR THE BIG WEEKEND COMING UP !!!
#labordayweekend
{Annual Introverts Conference}
speaker: how y’all doing?
audience: *soft murmuring*
speaker: I said HOW Y’ALL DOING?
audience: *total silence*
speaker: that’s better
[Hardware store]
ME: *holding toilet plunger to my ear, as if listening*
WIFE: Ugh, can you please hurry up
ME: THE WAND CHOOSES THE WIZARD, JANET
wife & I just overheard the kids talking about how they’ll decorate the house after we die, so I guess we’re sleeping in shifts from now on
[heaven’s IT department]
Ok, I see why your computer’s crashing. Have you been closing doors again?
God: Yes, why?
Too many open windows
When I die, someone, please attend my funeral dressed as the Grim Reaper and just stand there and don’t say a word. Thanks.
The Count of Monte Cristo remains popular because it speaks to that universal human desire to flex on everyone you went to school with
[Audition for the musical Cats]
Director: Act like a cat for me
Me: I’m not doing anything to impress you
Director: Perfect
when people say “I have two awesome kids” I always wonder how many they have total
I can either cut my toe nails, or majestically swoop down and grab a salmon from a river.
Mysteries of #Interstellar: Gotta tell you. Mars (right next door) looks waay safer than those new planets they travelled to.