This generation has discovered the selfie stick. My generation discovered AIDS. Don’t know what’s worse.
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Interesting how Lassie always happens to be at the scene when a kid “falls” down a well.
I’ve fallen in love on Twitter and I think the 7 of us will be very happy together
just gave your address to some spiders
Wife: you need to prepare the turkey
Me: *sits turkey down* dude this isn’t gonna be a good day for you
[LA Earthquake]
Me: Wow, do you feel tha-
Husband: *pushes me out of the way and runs down the street screaming* Every man for himself!
1985: imagine what school photos will be like in the future
2022 (the future): adds one neon laserbeam and one fake bookshelf background to cart
You’ve said it before and I’ll say it again
-Plagiarists
i worked at the public library for 3 years. whenever someone returned a book late, i charged the late fee to a fake account. by the time i quit, Mr. Calvin McHobbes of Sparks, Nevada owed $12,793 in overdue fines
[seeing a gumball machine full of bees]
give me a quarter
Me: *on the phone with my parents* So mom, what did the doctor say?
2: *from across the room* no more monkeys jumping on the bed!
WIFE: Stop spending money on stupid stuff
ME: Okay
[later]
WIFE: What the hell?
[dog walks by in a tuxedo]
ME: He’s getting married, Karen
Don’t want to get political on here but there’s no such thing as “endless shrimp.” Heads? Tails? Those are two VISIBLE ends THAT WE KNOW OF.
ME: This is false advertising. I’ve been here an hour and nobody has even touched me. So lonely.
COP: Again, not what a holding cell is for
Beyonce was Destiny’s Child. The other two were adopted.
It’s taking this nurse 20 minutes to get my chart ready for the doctor, every few minutes she asks which hand is numb again.
[ER]
*covered in blood holding eyeball
Name?
Stacy
What’s wrong?
*nods to eyeball
Looking at the chart, rate your pain
I’m the winky face
Some ppl are like, bury me and plant a tree so I live on in nature and I’m like, same but plant potatoes so I can live on in french fries
Dm: Hi
Me: but have you even accepted Jesus as your Lord and savior?
here’s the problem with fruit: it’s inconsistent. some apples are delicious, some taste bad. sometimes blueberries are great, sometimes they are disgusting. you know what’s the same every time? doritos
If you steal my identity you better believe that it comes with 4 kids.
My son just suggested a foundation to bring young tortoises to important events so that 150 years later people can say “this tortoise witnessed Biden’s inauguration” etc
Peacock: *spreads feathers at me*
Husband: It’s trying to attract you as a mate
Me: *shyly lifts top*
Husband: no
What helps a pedophile walk and do his job?
A Candy Cane.
Incense sticks are just disappointing sparklers.
“The Shining isn’t a Christmas movie” shut up there’s literally snow in it
Girl, are you these plates I recently bought from Wal-Mart? Because I just learned that you’re not microwave-safe.
Bro. His friends dared him to go touch your shoe
Ebola has been in the US for 1 day and people are already wearing masks. AIDS has been here for 55 years and fools still don’t use a condom
I turned the location off on my phone so an international spy agency isn’t aware that I’m eating fast food today. I want to impress them.
If we put headlamps on the squirrels that live in our trees, we don’t even need a strobe light for our backyard dance party. Just something to consider.