Pros of a minivan: It can fit 5 kids.
Cons of a minivan: It can fit 5 kids.
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Her: you look great
My brain: say thank you
Anxiety: why does she hate me
Me: I have peanut butter in my hair
you can’t piss me off. you’re not the doorknob i keep getting my clothes caught on.
When people write to tell me I’m not good at comedy, I reply “Well you’re not good at fan mail” then we all laugh &they are proved wrong.
TODAY
banking website: thank you for your transfer as a reminder the total you can move between accounts in any one given business day is $1,000,000
me, sitting on a milk crate in a studio apt i share with two other guys: ok
When he really likes something I’m eating or drinking my 3yo will say “let’s pretend it’s mine now!” which is just a really cute way to steal my shit.
some guy at this bar in cork asked me where i was from and i was like “oh i live in new york.” and he was like “oh have you heard of 9/11?”
I don’t have a swear jar anymore, I have a swear barrel
Me: You should really try this lip gloss
Her: this is super glue
Me: HEAR ME OUT
one of
‘I just call it like I see it…’ -People giving their unsolicited opinion about their unsolicited opinions.
*peeking out the curtains, sighing heavily* Honeyyyy we’ve got sexy singles in our area again
*getting the broom*
Shoo! Shoo! Terry, you have to stop leaving hard seltzers on the porch, it attracts them,
Horrifying if literal: shit storm
If you let me be president, I will just straight up tell you if aliens exist.
Dear Lord..
First thing on my bucket list is to jump off a cliff and the rest are just tricks I’ll do in the air.
In banana years, I am bread.
*Asking the price for something way too expensive but also shy*
Me – Excuse me. How much is this?
Salesman – Ten thousand dollars.
Me – Oh…. I’ll take three.
*sets place on fire before paying*
Turns out 6 foot penguins don’t exist, in related news, I might have just ran over a nun.
A little poetry never killed anybody. But haiku keeps trying.
everything i’ve learned about megan fox and machine gun kelly has been against my will
[first day as a negotiator]
Me: release one hostage
Terrorist: no
Me: release half of one hostage
make parties more interesting by telling strangers “I want you to know that I personally have no problem with you being here”
HR: How do you think we can better handle this in the future?
ME [glaring at Cheryl, who took the last donut]: idk, maybe don’t hire Cheryl
[at the aquarium]
Son, pointing at large tank: daddy what’s that?
Me: that’s a tank
Son: no what lives in the tank
Me: water
Idea: a neck tattoo that depicts a man having an unsuccessful job interview because of his neck tattoo
Don’t drop the soap in prison because someone might steal your soap and then you will be “the dirty guy” and no one will have sex with you
[after discovering wine] WHAT ELSE *hiccup* WHAT ELSE CAN WE DRINK AFTER IT GOES BAD
At this point I’m waiting for my student loans to ask me if I want to add 10%, 15% or 20% gratuity to my bill.
five mistletoes make up a mistlefoot thank you for your time