You washed your hands? Be honest. Your hands washed each other, and you just watched like a sick freak.
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Taliband
Land animals by legs:
0: Probably a snake.
1: Not a snake.
2: You/Monkey.
3: Uh…
4: Varies, probably safe-ish.
>4: AAAAH KILL IT WITH FIRE.
they probably named the Rocky mountains first and then saw all the other mountains and were like “oh”
All sex is “make up sex” if you don’t know what you’re doing.
“I found a stick… and it comes with a hat!” 😂💛
goldiesglobe
When the doctor asks you ‘How are you feeling today?’ sexy is not an appropriate answer apparently.
You get home from work early. You walk into the kitchen and your dog is peeling a potato. Startled, she yells “IT’S JUST A POTATO!”
#ambien
Hearing deteriorates as we get older. So why with every new year does the sound of someone eating become louder & more annoying?
Me:*screaming in horror in the bathroom*
Him:*banging on door* Are you ok? WTF is going on?
M:I found a gray hair!
H:So?
M:IN MY EYEBROW!!
I don’t hate kids, I hate sociopathic little assholes raised by yuppie cunts who feel saying “no” will stifle the child’s creativity…
I want to see a combination celebrity chef and magician. Like when they put it in the oven it was baked risotto but when they take it out of the oven it’s corn dogs.
well. like. what the hell does that leave me with then i mean cmon
Mommy, what are these?
“Put them back they are sleeping pills!”
Oh, then you shouldn’t yell
“Why?”
[whispering] YOU’LL WAKE THEM UP
“Rapunzel! Let down your hair!”
RAPUNZEL: Hey hair, ya wanna go get ice cream?
HAIR: Yeah!
RAPUNZEL: Well too bad. Because we’re not.
I’ve seen enough episodes of Dateline to know never to stand near a cliff while letting Hubs take my picture.
It’s nice that lions don’t mind looking like 80’s rock stars.
I used to think it would be fun to be a contestant on Chopped, then I birthed my own mini judges who criticize and reject everything I cook.
Me: not today, anxiety!
My kids: hold my koolaid..
Stars! They’re just like us! Gaseous and dying
The opposite of ‘taking candy from a baby’ is ‘putting sunscreen on a toddler’.
*travels back in time to kill Hitler as a baby* *becomes known as time-traveling baby murderer & history’s greatest monster*
“If anyone has any objections, speak now or-
SHES LITERALLY A BANANA
Groom: IS THIS TRUE EMMA?
Best man: I f’kin KNEW she bruised too easily
IKEA furniture will now snap together
will no tools or hardware.The company boasts that it will save
thousands of h̶o̶u̶r̶s̶ marriages
If you ever see me with one of those stick figure family bumper stickers it means I’m dead and someone is wearing my skin
My wife and I role play “The Fast and the Furious” in bed. Me and her, respectively.
°pulls up to drive-thru°
[ME] ONE NUMBER 4 WITH A COKE
[FREIND] aren’t you on a diet
[ME] oh yeah..AND A BOOK ABOUT MANNERS FOR MY FRIEND
Stop buying plastic skeletons for Halloween. It’s terrible for the environment. Locally sourced, all natural skeletons are much more environmentally friendly.
I’m amazed by people who lose weight w exercise. When I exercise nothing happens bc my DNA still thinks I’m a European peasant. So it’s like “Oh! Are we running from the English again, lass? Dinnae ye worry: we’ll keep ye plump as a partridge to outlast the murderous bastards!”
me: no shoes in the house
murderer: sorry
Stretching? you mean exercise BEFORE I exercise?