“Son, would you like to go to college some day, or would you like to keep ordering guac? Your choice.”
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I took a DNA test and i’m actually 17% cheddar cheese now
A first date is probably the best time to show off your wicked hand puppet skills.
This librarian isn’t even wearing glasses! I’m not even going to ask her where a book is. She’s not going to know.
I dread doing laundry as if I didn’t have a machine that washes the clothes for me and another that dries them for me, as I do nothing
I bought some IKEA furniture and paid extra for delivery and set-up.
Next day, they dumped the box and a dead body in my yard. And called the cops.
I found a dog in a toilet.
It’s a poodle.
I’m sad because of all the money I’ve lost in the market recently but I’m also really excited to start replying with “IN THIS ECONOMY?!” anytime people ask me to do anything.
All I want for Christmas is a domesticated raccoon that wants to eat lasagna with me & go on quirky adventures. It would also be nice if the raccoon could do magic but I understand that is asking a lot and therefore, it is not required.
“They say time is linear but it repeats itself. For example, I just got dumped again. Same girl. Were stuck on a loop, and when-”
*the man grating parmesan stops*
“No, that wasn’t a ‘when’ for you, keep going.”
FRIEND: it’s all about picking your battles
[later]
WIFE: i can’t believe you ju-
ME: *holds up hand* i choose gettysburg
Facebook definitely needs to change their name. Pretty sure books aren’t supposed to make you dumber.
[interview]
HIM: What are your strengths?
ME: Well, I can see dead people.
HIM: Wow, interesting. Any hobbies?
ME: Grave digging
For once I’d like the menu options to carefully listen to ME. I’ve changed too, you know.
If Apple ever made a car they would probably have oddly sized/shaped cup holders just so people would buy their custom drink containers.
[after seeing a sign for pet fencing] omg imagine the little swords
let’s hit the petting zoo and find out which animals are ticklish
My parents moved a lot when I was younger.
My sister and I always managed to track them down though.
If i had to guess, i would guess that the number one search word on Bing is Google.
[Uncle Sam opening gifts at his July 4 birthday celebration]
*sigh* another stars and stripes top hat
The perfect sticker placement doesn’t exi-
Appliance salesman: *slaps roof of microwave*
this bad boy can fit so many waves in it
School taught me fractions like if you’re on your third fifth of whiskey you haven’t even had a full whiskey yet
I’ve been told I look like a young Denzel Washington’s white neighbor.
I sympathize with the journalist intern assigned to uncover my scandalous past, only to stumble upon countless pictures of me indulging in gravy.
I just reached in my purse for a pen and found a full 4 pack chicken nugget box from McDonalds.
So I get it, squirrels. I get it.
When you’ve aged 15 years since 2020 and they still tell you that you’re cute
[camping]
me: why can’t i find any animals
wife: the wildlife is very conservative here
deer: climate change is a myth
“I’ve got toes in different area codes.”
– Ludacris steps on a land mine
I hate when people say “think again.” Buddy, I wasn’t even thinking in the first place.
Me: There are plenty of ways to skin a cat
Cat (pulls out switchblade): Oh, you wanna dance, tweet boy? C’mon – bring it!