My dog’s pissed cos I buy him Senior food. He won’t admit he’s older now. So I scratch out the “i” on each can & tell him it’s Mexican food.
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Amazon just got FAA approved for drone deliveries in Texas.
So now we have skeet shooting with miscellaneous prizes.
Waiter: Fresh pepper, sir?
Me: Yes, please.
Pepper: Honey, I’m as single as a dollar and I’m not lookin’ for change.
*couple walking through the house they just bought*
Husband: Hey, honey, there’s an attic!
Wife: Really?
H: *peering into attic with a flashlight* There’s dust everywhere, except on that creepy Victorian doll staring at me.
*later*
Friend: Is there an attic?
Husband: No.
oh to be a capybara in an open air bath with an orange on its head
Slack jaw. Vacant eyes. All symptoms of someone listening to me talk.
My teen yelled at me for not waking her up for school. She’s in the shower & I’m wondering when she realizes it’s Sunday. This is beautiful.
ME: haha u dare me to take off all my clothes and run thru this park
COP: no
ME: wow I cant believe ur making me do this lol
COP: I’m not
No Shave November
No Deodorant December
Lose Your Job January
Forget To Pay Rent February
Move in With Mom and Dad March
I opened wordle to play while waiting for the bus, and force of habit, I pulled my pants down cause I’m so used to playing it on the toilet
God: you’re a giraffe.
Giraffe: why is my neck so long?
God: it’s the only way you could reach the top of the trees.
Giraffe: that makes perfect sense!
[monkey climbs a nearby tree]
Giraffe:
God: you weren’t supposed to see that.
I have an emotional support chicken roasting in the oven.
As my mom finishes up cutting up my steak for me, I can’t help but notice that my date looks upset.
Considered selling feet and/or leg pics but then I realized I’d have to actually shave and ain’t nobody got time for that
imagine being a bald vampire and every time you walk by a mirror your toupee looks like it’s floating in mid air.
No officer, my car was already upside down when I got here.
“One should never name drop”
The Queen told me that
It was Timothy’s second week undercover, and frankly, he was getting absolutely nowhere.
Me: Footlong
Subway sandwich artist: White or wheat?
Me: Cookie
[office meeting]
BOSS: Printer ink is costing us a ton. Any ideas on how to cut costs?
SQUID: *looks up from phone* Why y’all lookin’ at me?
1 PM: I can’t wait to go to bed
1 AM: I should reorganize the garage
Welcome to your 40s. Time moves much faster now. Welcome to your 50s
“Hello, this is Steve, my wife is listening.”
– How I answer every phone call since my wife bought Bluetooth for my car.
Stock market update:
Last month 401 k
This month 401 not ok
Him: I’d like to hear you scream.
Me: *screams like a banshee*
*extremely loudly* WELCOME TO MY TED TALK ON USING SUBLIMINAL MESSAGING FOR ADVERTISING.
*whispers* cheerios
I grew up in the 70s. If there was a bowl of fruit on the kitchen table it was made out of plastic and lead paint
Cortana, where is the closest Taco Bell?
There’s a Weight Watchers meeting 1 mile away from you.
*Note to self: Never call Siri Cortana*
our love story in four pictures
[team tryouts]
Coach: You really knocked that one out of the park.
Jimmy: Thanks Coach!
Coach: This is tennis.