Me: is the fish fishy?
Waiter: it’s a mild fish.
Me: so it’s mildly fishy?
Waiter, to my husband: is she-
Husband: Yes, she’s always like this.
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Radio Shack would have filed for bankruptcy years ago but they’ve been trying to do it using dial-up internet
My spouse wonders why I have a hard time visiting his parents for the whole weekend but it probably has a lot to do with the fact that I have to put a bra on before coffee
I do not encourage eating cats. But judging by the amount of time they spend licking themselves, I bet they are probably pretty damn tasty.
Ritually cleansing* the new house
*taking down the previous owner’s live laugh love decals
first my neighbor was okay with my electric fencing, then he was on the fence, and now he’s dead set against it
Me: I prefer telling outside jokes.
Coworker: Don’t you mean inside jokes?
Me: Not to you
We complain when it’s hot. We complain when it’s cold. We are such cunts. That’s why ET went home and never came back to visit.
The creepiest thing about spiders is their sexual attraction to spiders.
The squirrels on campus are getting bold. I was eating a pop tart outside and a squirrel came over and stole my credit card information
*Naming my child*
WIFE: What’s the girl version of Matt?
ME:… Mattress?
my only request if I ever get murdered is that you don’t let it be solved on a podcast
It’s easy to watch movies on this plane! Just download our app, set your phone to airplane mode, turn on your wifi, select our wifi, go to our website, enter in the special key, add a photo of your driver’s license, enter your social security number twice, give us your first born.
taking lessons in close up magic so when my kids are teenagers I can “impress” all their friends
Sometimes I get bored and tell people I’ve never had pizza before.
I’m not afraid to double-text, it makes me feel like a Victorian gentleman gently throwing stones at a window to draw a lady out of her chambers
A kid at the park is wearing a Joker shirt, I am going to slowly take my coat off revealing my Batman T and shit is about to get real.
Alright. Let’s cut the shit. Who harbinged this doom?
My 2.5 yo pointing to table: Where’s sticker?
Me: the house cleaners must’ve removed it
Pointing to the wall: where’s crayon?
Me: the cleaners must’ve wiped it off
Pointing to toy bin: where’s singing bear?
Me: the cleaners must’ve thrown it out
…we don’t have cleaners
Dracula: you will become a creature of the night. Not alive, but not dead. You will thirst for blood and haunt the land for eternity
Me: but I can play video games all the time, forever?
Dracula: in theory…yes
Me: ok let’s do this
if swimming is really exercise then why dont fish have mega muscles. yeah i thought so. drain the pool so we can skateboard in it
DATE: It’s hard to find a girl that likes goth guys
ME: [hiding a lantern in my purse] You know, it’s weird, I actually thought your profile said moth guys
I just left a court docket with 47 cases. I was number 4 and 43. The judge took the bench and took one look at me with my Kleenex and hacking cough and said, “Patient zero, YOU will be going first.”
Never has looking like complete crap made me so happy.
I pet my dog and he didn’t wag his tail. Is he seeing someone else? Is the magic gone? Do we need to spice things up? I’ll dress like a cat.
There’s no “us” in nachos.
Apparently my son “looks like daddy” when he’s wearing half of his food
Sitting on airplane…. I sanitize our tray tables, seat cushions, seatbelts, and seatback pockets. My child then licks the window.
that awkward moment when a friend is complaining about their spouse, but you start to identify with the spouse
My phone will never let me forget the day I texted “hahajaha”.
It doesn’t require opening the fridge door three times if you’re really hungry, you’ll find what you want the first time.
Life is as good or as bad as you make it. Take responsibility for your choices, including how you feel about a situation. And breathe.