me: can I buy you a drink
girl (who is a teacher): I don’t know, can you?
me (also a teacher): no
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Weirdos gonna weird.
My dishes are lined up like my sink is the hottest night club the world has ever seen.
“I could play my drum for him? Would your sleeping baby enjoy that?”
The ants won’t go in the poison traps so I made some modifications to lure them in
Things true crime has ruined for me: hiking, jogging, dating, marriage, lighting up a room.
Turns out if you speak with an English accent during an interview it’s expected that you’ll continue to speak w/accent after you’re hired
You are not your own worst enemy.
You have many more enemies.
EARTH: with your vast wealth you could stop poverty 90 times over
ELON MUSK: [daydreaming] I’m going to put ice cream trucks on the moon
10:00: gets in hammock
10:00 to 10:20: relaxes in hammock
10:21 to 11:57: gets out of hammock
I used to think girls were super nice to each other in bar washrooms until my friend came back from one thinking she should get bangs
i don’t have time to deal with the weird spots on the lawn so i threw a bag of salad over them
If I ever make plans with you, please have backup plans.
[Super Villain Team Tryouts]
COACH: Tell me what you can do
MAGNETO: I can manipulate metal
LOKI: I’m a god
THE PENGUIN (shoving his way to the front): I LIKE PENGUINS!
6-year-old: Why do cars have cup holders?
Me: For cups.
6: But you can’t drink and drive.
ME: hell yeah I’m into Dune 2. Dune 2 others as you’d have them Dune 2 you!
JESUS: *descends from heaven* stop that
After dating me for a month and telling me he’s in danger and needs money, the tinder swindler would’ve been shocked when I said “that’s crazy, what you gonna do?”
I recently got a tattoo with Chinese symbols that reads, “I don’t know. I don’t speak Chinese.”
Then when people ask me what it means…
funny how dumbass pet animals will eat the same thing every day without realizing that Subway® offers over 19 different ways to Eat Fresh™
Albus pretended it didn’t bother him, but late at night, he wept in his chambers. He hated when the students called him “Dumblefag.”
PILOT: This isn’t funny, Ed. Let me in
COPILOT: *over intercom* Hey everyone, who’d like to hear a passage from the captain’s dream journal?
I ate a doughnut today with no sprinkles. Diet goals accomplished
everyone is motivated by something different. for some folks it’s money, for others it’s a paycheck. some people are even motivated by cash hitting their bank account. others do it for the love of getting paid.
No, YOUR illiterate.
Me: And when there was only one set of-
Jesus: Dude, just tell the cops there were TWO sets of footprints in the sand!
[seeing a picture of myself]
Revolting. Burn it
[hearing a recording of my voice]
Awful. Grating
[seeing my tweets]
Genius. A blessing to this world
Make sure your blind date from the internet has a big car. Nothing worse than a trunk with no leg room.
Interviewer: Where do you see yourself in five years?
Me: I’d say listening is my biggest weakness.
Hot Pockets- Now with 5 cheese!
Me- *adding both nacho and spray cheese* Amateurs
[driving home in silence]
Wife: ok, I’m sorry
Me: too late
Wife: you do quite a lot of them though
Me: no, apparently I “overuse” them
Wife: …
Me: there’s no such thing as overusing roundhouse kicks, Linda, especially at parties
Wife: funeral
Are you happily married or did your husband “jokingly” make a beeping sound when you took 3 steps backwards?