My 3 year old just had a meltdown because I told her she had to be 4 before she could be 6. I haven’t broken the news about 5 to her yet.
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friend: how long have you had that bourbon?
me: 20 years.
friend: why don’t you just drink it?
me: drinking age is 21 dude.
* Runs Baywatch-style into oncoming traffic *
Her: I like a man who’s loud in bed
Me: *turns on my cpap machine*
Her: Not like that
Senior sext: CAN YOU READ ME NOW?
If you’re stuck in the wild, rub two mozzarella sticks together to start a pizza.
[at Waldo’s trial]
Judge: Jury, how do you find the defendant?
Jury: We the jury find the defendant by looking in the top left of the page
Firefighter: This is a list of what was destroyed in the fire
Wife: Are my husband’s Creed’s albums on there?
Firefighter: No
Wife *slides him $20* what about now
If you’re the smartest person in the room, you are in the wrong room.
I’m a great multitasker. I can listen to you tell me your name and forget it at the exact same time
It’s all fun and games until your Uber driver pulls up and he’s driving a hearse.
I shot a man in Reno,
Just to watch him cry.It was just a Nerf gun you big baby!
My kids are giving all the people on this plane a hard lesson in birth control right now.
Scientists say Jupiter cant support human life but maybe Jupiter’s just really focused on her career for now. Why be so judgmental, science?
No, Susan, I haven’t just “grown a new beard” – I’ve rewilded my face.
My mom has a podcast but you can only hear it if you have the password to my voicemail
I tossed my billiard table into the bathtub.
Now I have a swimming pool.
8: “You know how Makayla and Abby are our cousins?”
Me: “Yeah”
8: “Did you know that WE’RE also THEIR cousins?!”
Zen master: Why are you still tweeting? The validation isn’t real.
Me: Neither are you.
Zen master: Oh bugger.
When the nurse calls you to come get your kid 30 minutes after you drop her off at school, is about as Monday as it gets.
People who shower together but don’t have sex they actually just shower, those are the terrorists. Real boring, uptight, stupid terrorists.
Me, 20’s & 30’s: I can’t remember anything about last night.
Friends: You had a good time, then!
Me, 40’s: I can’t remember anything about last night.
Friends: You need to see a neurologist.
Just noticed there’s no comma in “Bed Bath & Beyond” and honestly, a bed bath would solve a lot of my problems.
Always buy ‘hand wash only’ shirts whenever you want to wear something once and then throw it into a ‘hand wash only’ basket for 15 years.
Asking my boyfriend if he’d still love me if I was one of those weird aliens that drank coffee and babbled angrily at Men in Black passing by
Scientists have recently discovered that Rhino horns are radioactive “I wouldn’t touch ’em if I was a poacher” said 1 massive grey scientist
me: listen I’m pretty busy now can we do this tomorrow?
murderer: yeah sure sorry
Neighbour mowed his lawn at 6am… Logic dictates that I should get drunk in the backyard tonight and try to learn to play the didgeridoo.
my birthday is tomorrow on the Ides and I’m excited to celebrate by doing what Julius Caesar SHOULD have done: staying home and avoiding my friends
For my morning walk, I’m not blasting music into my brain. You are not going to hear anything more lovely them the way the birds sound today and also I can’t get my earbuds to work.
My heart skips a beat and my hands clench. Lips quivering, I lower my gaze to the ground. Faced with the truth, the disappointment I feel rips through my gut like the sharpest of blades. I HAVE DROPPED MY CHEESE.