My signature move at family dinners is waiting for someone to put their drink down at the table & then moving it when they go to the buffet.
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me: check out that beach body
other forensic detective: stop calling it that
I just don’t know what to make of people anymore.
-Cannibal who’s out of dinner ideas
Your baby’s cute. Not baby elephant cute, but still cute.
What’s it called when you’re a perfectionist but also extremely bad at everything?
Smile they said.
“Did it hurt…when you fell from heaven and lost the use of your legs?”–bad pick-up line to use on a handicapped person
Doctor told me I only have 6 months to live, maybe 12 if I get enough likes on Facebook.
I show extra confidence at a job interview by giving a firm handshake before and after every question.
WHY DO SWEDISH SHIPS HAVE BARCODES PRINTED ON THE SIDE?
SO YOU CAN SCAN-DA-NAVY-IN
After watching “101 Dalmations” I hoped my dog’s barking was to help others, but I think she is just spreading gossip.
My toddler threw a clipboard at me. This is no way for a boss to treat an unpaid intern.
when you do a big stretch & hear a crackling noise, that’s ur bones clapping because you did a good job
For fun I like to text all the men in my phone, “she has your eyes, can’t wait for you to meet her” and then I sit back and wait.
Working from home really jumps up a level when your boss texts you to ask if you saw her email yet, and you’re at TJ Maxx trying on jeans.
[Don’t let hot barrista know I’m a goose]
“Can I get you a coffee?”
Just a honk chonklate for me
“A what?”
CHOCOLATE, a hot chocolate plz.
My wife and I play this fun game at home where one of us says, “Could you watch the kids for a minute?” and runs.
I only like surprises when I am not in a public toilet.
After I fell asleep on the couch my sweet 3 year old daughter came over, draped her blankie over me, and lovingly put a Cheez-it in my mouth. She gets me.
If you can steal a scarf away from Johnny Depp he has to grant you one wish.
*discretely picks a booger*
*slyly wipes it on her blouse*
Funeral Director: Sir, we can see you and narrating it just makes it worse.
The worst feeling is when you miss someone but you can’t even tell them you miss them because they are a pizza.
I hate when people take my glasses, put them on, and say, “Ohhh, you really can’t see” ..NO shit..
Ben Carson is my favorite candidate whose name sounds like a Transformer explaining to his kid why he hasn’t seen him much lately
Candy is dandy but Heather wears leather.
[SPEED DATING]
HER: Hi, is this seat free?
ME: By all means.
HER: *drags chair across room
ME: WTF?
HER: *laughing, sits with another couple
[job interview]
“What’s your greatest weakness?”
I’m always hungry
“That’s not what I-”
*takes out a cake* Also, I don’t like to share
INTERVIEWER: Do you have any references?
ME: I find your lack of faith disturbing.
INTERVIEWER: What?
ME: *leans in really close* That’s a Star Wars reference.
Me: [first person to scratch my nails against a chalkboard]
Wife: STOP THAT
Me: Why?
Wife: It’s like…
Me: It’s like what
Wife: It’s definitely like something
My house isn’t messy.
It’s ‘Picasso-ish’.
You never know how strong you are until someone’s story runs more than 5 minutes long