– Shout!
-Me:
– Shout!
-Me:
-Let it all out!!!
-Me: *shouting and letting it all out*
-These are the things i can do without.
-Me:
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[looks into a mirror]
Well. That can’t be right.
The concept of “raining men” is a terrible thought and I wouldn’t be surprised if it happened in 2020.
[autopsy]
Coroner: worst case of boogie fever ever
Some ppl like I TRUST ONLY YOU WITH MY SECRET DONT TELL ANYBODY and then go tell it to 10 ppl
I would describe my conference call personality as “also there”
who said “fortune favors the prepared” instead of “ready player won”?
Judas: How long are your arms?
Jesus: Why?
Judas: Like in a cross, how long
Jesus: A what?
Judas:Across. How long across.
Saving this screenshot for when my grandkids ask me what 2017 was like.
Nasal rinses are great bc they clear your sinuses and also let you feel like you’re jumping into a pool without the pool.
Give a man a baby, and he’ll eat for a day. Teach a man to baby, and i think this saying only works for fish actually.
[on 1st date]
Him: So why is someone as pretty as you single?
Me: Single? Who’s single? [gets right up in his face] We marry at dawn.
I ate the whole box of slim fast bars. So excited about how skinny I’ll be when I wake up tomorrow.
professor x: what’s your superpower
me: I make text look like faces
professor XD : what?
My girlfriend told me I was getting sex today. Oops. I better not jinx it.
*knocks on morning wood*
prepare for carbonated trouble
Sometimes, for fun, I like to mouth words to my husband when he’s wearing earbuds. When he stops to ask me what I said, I just say ‘forget it’ and storm off.
I wanted to be Batman when I was a kid. So I kept leading my parents into dark alleys in the bad part of town.
Fitness level – too much Popeyes, zero spinach
My idea to call our weekend bicycling group the “Pedalphiles” was not well-received AT ALL.
The tooth fairy left an ominous note about coming back for the rest of my teeth.
[spelling bee]
Judge- Your word is dirty.
Me-*whispering seductively* How dirty is it?
Judge- What? No! Your word is dir…
Me- Does it want to be spanked?
A moment of silence for our dear friend, liquid water, who did not survive the 100° temperature… You will be mist…
“He’ll regret that shot till he’s screaming on his deathbed.” British golf commentary. It’s the reason I’m a fan.
ME: It’s been suggested that you are the average of the 5 people that you spend the most time around. Over time, you actually become similar to them.
ZOOKEEPER: Get out of the penguin exhibit or I am calling the cops.
Wife: I won’t ask again, take the trash out!
Me: OK, ok. I’m doing it!
[3 days later]
W: Can you take the trash out?
M: No way!
W: *angry* I beg your pardon?
M: *shrugging* You promised you’d never ask me again
W: I despise you
I hate when I’m in line for the bathroom and someone asks if I’m in line, like I look like a dude who just waits outside of bathrooms.
When fireworks were invented, it was ‘hisssss’ to ‘wheeeee’ in the making.
Her: Baby, do that thing that makes me hot
Me: *kisses her neck*
H: *slaps me* I MEANT turn the thermostat up dummy, it’s freezing in here
food for thought? no bro im hungry. food for stomach