Easter chocolate is the best chocolate. Everbunny knows that.
You Might Also Like
Getting schooled in Minecraft by a 6 year old. Looks like someone is about to find out Santa Claus isn’t real.
TV INTERVIEWER: As if the wedding wasn’t surprising enough, you then eschew the tradition of one spouse taking the other’s name. Instead, you chose to combine your surnames. Any regrets?
BENEDICT AND ENGELBERT CUMBERBUMPERDINCK: Absolutely not
Time traveling humans are always freaked out by culture changes
If a moose time travels it probably just finds a field to frolic in moosily
Still trying to convince my boss that I’m just using beer-flavoured toothpaste.
My friends definitely cannot handle their alcohol. Last night they dropped me 3 times carrying me out of the bar
“I can try” is a great response to invitations because you’re not even committing to trying.
Col Mustard: We’ll have a quiet night
Miss Scarlet: No murdering!
Professor Plum: No one dying tonight!
Me: What’s wrong? Are you all “board” of it lmao
*long pause*
Col Mustard: Maybe a little murdering
Miss Scarlet: Toss me that candlestick
[puts cone of shame on dog]
ME: (to dog) sory buddy
DOG: (to all other dogs in neighborhod) BOW DOWN TO LORD FLOFFYTON HEARER OF ALL BARKS
My nephew Lyle just explained to me the “F” in “F Bomb” stands for “friendship.”
F Bombs for everyone! 😃
Kids are easy to care for until they learn to roll over. After that you’re never
sure what they’re up to for the rest of their lives.
Let’s be honest Jurassic Park is about capitalistic hubris not science gone wrong. The science went gloriously right
idea for a movie:
a bear who is a parent
captures a psychotherapist
to cook as dinner for the cubs
and the movie is called
(and i’m very very sorry)
“kids, i honeyed the shrink”
In my late forties, I now find myself with gray hair, a delightful assortment of aches and pains, and surprisingly strong opinions on decorative throw pillows.
Me (sniffling, blubbering): and then he told me to give him my lunch money
Manager: Is this true
Waiter: I just gave him the check
Do dogs think humans are in a constant battle to claim toilets?
[crane rental company]
Customer: *holding 25-pound bird* what the hell is this
Nothing’s more important than family, particularly if your kidneys are starting to fail.
Cw: Ignorance is bliss
Me: Explains why you’re so happy
HR: It’s good to see you again
I told my kids I’m not coming out of the bathroom until they stop fighting, I’m really looking forward to a long nap and some me time
Ariel was a minor and couldn’t sign a legally binding contract. You’d think the king of the ocean’s lawyers could get that shit thrown out.
CASHIER: would you like to donate one dollar to charity?
ME: no thank you
SATAN (sitting on a throne made of human skulls): excellent choice
my ex just blocked me on twitter but i’m not gonna text him to ask him why bc i’m mature, i respect his boundaries and also he’s already blocked my number.
All I really hope for at this point is to never be in a situation where my flight number ends up the title of a movie.
Me: You just had a bath, please stay clean
My 4-year-old:
When my burger was ready, the clerk called out “867?”
I yelled back 5309.
No one laughed.
I am old.
Existing is a pretty remarkable achievement.
“STOP TELLING ME WHAT TO DO”, I yell to my 5 year old.
It’s nice that my vacuum has a headlight just in case I want to clean in the dark or wake my dog up thinking he’s getting hit by a train.
8yo Me: *sneaks candy*
14yo Me: *sneaks cigarettes*
18yo Me: *sneaks alcohol*
43yo Me: *sneaks candy*Being an adult is stupid.