Well I guess someone had to be the cautionary tale. You’re welcome, everyone.
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Please please please please please please please…
-me, flushing someone else’s toilet
I don’t need armpits that smell like fruit salad or “sexy intrigue”. I exude that naturally.
The fruit salad smell. Not the sexy intrigue.
Serious talk at the office of replacing me with one of those fainting goats.
My kid woke up sick and told me he was gonna eat a bunch of junk food since ‘obviously vitamins don’t work’ and I think we should consider his position
Rose petals? Next time scatter something I can eat.
What do we want?
A CURE FOR PARANOIA
When do we want it?
WHO WANTS TO KNOW
The whole problem with the world is that fools and fanatics are always so certain of themselves, and wiser people so full of intoxicants.
My 6yo: *begs to go to a Mexican restaurant*
Also my 6yo: *orders a hot dog*
[Year 2090]
A teenager unwraps a birthday present
“What is this thing grandpa?”
“That’s called a book”
“What’s it do?”
“It fixes idiots”
Let’s talk about my ability to hold a grudge. Back in ’78, a friend of mine bought me an album by The Rolling Stones, but she opened it and recorded it first. To this day, I refer to her as “Kathy, you know, the one that opened that album…”
breakfast: black coffee, overnight oats with sunflower & pumpkin seeds
lunch: lentil soup with carrots and onions, zero calorie vitamin water
dinner: 11 beers, net of babybel cheeses and cigarettes also
*gets out of the pool*
*gets into another pool but it’s full of rice so i can dry off*
4 woke me at 12.30am and 3am then yelled at me because I wouldn’t take part in her frog jumping contest at 6.23am, do I just send my resignation to hr or
[Old lady] Please dont pet my dog. She’s a service dog
[Me] Omg I’m so sorry (stands up straight & salutes dog) Thank you for your service
Flex on your mother in-law by leaving nursing home pamphlets lying around the house.
Rest in peace. That doesn’t sound that bad. It’s not like you die and then you have to run a marathon
I just got a call from my gym asking me if I want to upgrade to two visits per year.
Twenty bucks to anyone who shows up at my funeral, leans into the casket and says “You okay buddy? Do you want to go get some ice cream?”
All my passwords are protected … by my poor memory.
good prank: sneak into someone’s house every night over a year and replace thier toilet with a slightly larger one until it fills tthe room
“Extra cheese”
Extra! Extra! More cheese!!
“No olives”
Breaking! Hold on the olives!
~Ex-Newsie working at Subway
I should put a bowl of this Halloween candy in my office in case anyone wants some.
-Me, working from home. Alone.
Inflation has me feeling like I’m back in college cause I’m living off of ramen most days.
*looking contemplative*
Wife: What are you thinking about?
Me: You know, if Nessie was sworn into the mob-
Wife: Don’t.
Me:
Wife:
Me: She’d be a Loch Ness Mobster.
doctor: i have good news and bad news. the bad news is your wife is going to be a widow
me: [devastated] what’s the good news
doctor: [pulls out engagement ring] not for long
me: “youre serving Blue Curacao? so its a boy! congrats man!”
friend: “for the third time, this is not a gender reveal party and please stop drinking the Windex. i think it is causing permanent damage”
me: “so, have you picked any names yet?”
GARY BUSEY: I WANNA WRITE A BOOK
HIS AGENT: gary that’s a bad idea—how’d you feel about a ghost writer?
GARY: SCARED AS HELL BUT I LIKE IT
I love how breadsticks are an appetizer for pizza; like, yes, I’ll have more bread with my bread, please.
Serious talk at the office of replacing me with a leg lamp.