This has made my week.
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My husband fears a meat shortage and had $400 worth delivered. In order to fit it into the freezer, I had to eat all the ice cream. Who knew I was capable of such self-sacrifice?
Drank two Monster Energy drinks and started my car by screaming at it.
How did we not see this back then?
“WHAAAAATTT?” – The first almond to be milked
[Mom]: My son’s voice is changing
[Dr.]: Thats normal at his age
[Mom]: This is normal?
*fax machine noises are coming from the kid’s mouth*
you question the benefit of a $1000 stimulus payment and I challenge you to name a problem 1k donuts can’t solve
COUPLE: *rides off into the sunset*
NEIL DEGRASSE TYSON: nope
Interviewer: Under skills you put horse whisperer and able to see ghosts
Me: Ask that horse if you don’t believe me
Interviewer: What horse?
You can flash your library card when you’re walking into Costco. They couldn’t care less.
A REAL CONVERSATION I HEARD BETWEEN TWO GROWN MEN AT TIRES PLUS:
Man #1: *getting ready to pay* Is it a swipey swipe
Man #2: No it’s a chippy chip
Medusa’s hair is made of snakes. Does the carpet match the drapes?
Theres plenty of fish in the sea. Theres loads of trash at the dump. Theres tons of bones in a skeleton. Bugs are everywhere.
Exterminators: The only profession in which you put yourself out of business by being really good at your job.
I get it, Kevin McCallister. I, too, sometimes wish my family would disappear and leave me home alone with my own cheese pizza.
My 10 year old just told his friend I’m cranky cus I have my “pyramid”.
me: [has anything]
my cat: were you going to sit on the rest of that
Fun date idea: Put a fake diamond ring in your dessert and act like your date proposed. Men love that.
It seems that after checking my bank account, I need to turn to a life of crime
I’m like if Lady Godiva rode in naked on a ” My Little Pony” …
We all started out as eggs here.
Apparently, some just end up cracking.
me: it’s tough coming back into the office huh?
them: you don’t work here
me: i know it was really tough getting past security
[emerges from time machine back in present day]
I did it. I got Hitler rejected from art school, saving German art from years of mediocrity
I eat the first half of a burrito to get full, I eat the second half to teach myself a lesson
If you love something keep it in the refrigerator, keep it fresh, that thing you love is a lot like mayonnaise.
Answering all my mom’s texts today with lyrics from Gangster’s Paradise.
My husband will eat anything that has the word “Cowboy” in it so tonight I’m making Cowboy Kale and boy howdy is he gonna like it!
It’s way easier to procure food now than it was for our ancestors. Thousands of years ago, instead of buying it in the store, I would have had to hunt this can of Pringles in the wild.
In horror flicks, people say “hello?” when they hear something like a voice is going to reply, “oh hey, it’s me, the murderer.”
Sleep is just something clowns made up so they can eat you.
Preparing myself for a post apocalyptic wasteland by learning how to sleep without the TV on