the michael jackson of crabs impressing all his friends by walking smoothly forwards
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IKEA assembly instructions should come with a glossary of Swedish swear words.
i have never seen a chameleon in real life and i dont know if that means i havent or i have
There’s nothing sexier than being with someone who knows exactly what they want, unless what they want is to smother you in your sleep.
that’s NOT YOUR CALL TO MAKE
I hate saying “I told you so” so I’m just going to spray-paint it on your car.
Schools: Children need consistency and routine
Also schools: Daily class times will be the lucky numbers from your fortune cookie
“you’re too polite”
I am not
[two weeks earlier while my house is being robbed] sorry he doesn’t usually bark at strangers
Mob Boss: did you make it look like an accident
Me: oh yeah I rear ended him before I shot him
I’ve started an all male cow gang.
Because in life, anything is posse bull !!
Maybe mama duck isn’t leading her babies, maybe she’s trying to outrun them.
8yo: Dad, can I eat on the couch?
Me: Sure, as long as you’re carefu-
8yo: I spilled my drink
Me: Of course
I need to stay vigilant while venturing into the ocean this week.
Sharks be looking at me like “I can get three meals out of him.”
At least the first 6 months of January is almost over.
Dinosaurs: hey Noah open up its starting to rain out here haha
Noah: [door lock noise]
Me: Alexa, make me a drink.
Her: Mom, that’s not my name and I think you’ve had enough.
“Linda Hamilton has already saved the world three times. Let the poor woman rest, people.”
-my husband, watching the trailer for the new Terminator movie
Cop: Can you describe the man who stabbed you?
Me: He kept going like this [stabbing motion]
[walking into museum]
i must read each and every description, really soak up the history
*after 20 minutes*
can i sit on this or is it art?
“How about if the villain is a psychopath out to make a skin suit?”
– Not in a kids movie, dude.
“Ok, but it’s puppy skin?”
– Oh, then YES!
The first Saw movie should have been called Footloose.
What my girlfriend thought, first 4 dates:
1. Nice shirt.
2. Wow. A second nice shirt.
3. Okay, first shirt again.
4. He has two shirts.
Why does every dog run the moment you ask “what’s in your mouth”
Me: *gets on scale*
5yo: Whoa! That’s a lot of points!
Man arrested at airport after officials discover 35 live birds attached to his clothing as he attempted to smuggle them into the country for singing competitions
Parents, when you go to the bathroom don’t forget to lock the door so your kids can show you what it would be like if zombies were trying to break down your door in an apocalypse.
If you feel trapped in your body with no way out, just think about that guy in the middle of a conga line.
Duolingo getting serious.
My mom asked me to text her at 5pm to remind her to get her thyroid medication so I do have plans
I was in the first Top Gun movie.
I was the Marine actually working out in the background while the Navy took time off to play little volleyball games.
If I were a manager at Stabucks I would be like, “You showed up latte for work today!” then when the laughing stops, “but no, you’re fired.”