I’m at the dentist. They put a bib on me and left.
Are they preparing lobster? I hope they are preparing lobster.
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I call realtors advertising on bus stop benches and ask them the bus schedule.
Crockpots are such a tease because I hate waiting 6-8 hours to eat my food that I’ve been smelling all day.
just once I want a doctor to ask if I’ve been eating enough potatoes
Overall, the kids and parents took Wonka’s maniacal screaming, small orange mutated workers, and horrific accidental deaths in stride, maintaining remarkable composure. This tells us they were no strangers to candy factory tours.
My kids have been watching Bluey and they’ve started saying ‘oh biscuits’ instead of ‘oh shit,’ so don’t tell me screen time isn’t beneficial.
There are 363 days till Christmas and people already have their Christmas lights up.
Unbelievable.
as a kid, there really wasn’t anything I wanted to be when i grew up. and boy have i nailed it.
COWORKER: you got like 8 hickeys. Must’ve been a fun weekend haha
ME (remembering not to talk about octopus fight club): yea it got pretty wild
On the next “Unsolved Mysteries” my wife and I investigate how there aren’t enough hangers for the clothes we washed when they were on hangers before we wore them.
Coworker: It’ll either work or it won’t.
Me: Yes. Those would be the two possible outcomes.
Willy Wonka making Charlie the CEO of the Wonka company was actually a pretty smart business move considering the lawsuits the company will be getting after the murder tour
I am not “living in fear”, I am “making reasonable efforts to not get COVID again because the first time I had it I ran a fever so high that I briefly met God and got to ask Him about His favourite wing sauce”, hope this helps
All of these stories about missing campers.
Nobody has ever gone missing sitting on their couch.
Sorry I referred to your one-night-stand as “the nakey mistakey”.
caveman: I’ve invented the wheel!
hamster: finally!!!
Bread bowls are not dishwasher safe. I know that now.
My friend is a meteorologist so when he wants to hang out I tell him there’s a 100% chance I’ll be there and then I don’t show up.
I overheard office gossip about someone being an alcoholic but I’m too drunk to crawl off the floor too find out who.
RT if you know someone like this!!!
Wife: did you know hippos kill way more people every year than sharks?
Me: how? by sitting on them? lol.
Hippo: [in the booth next to ours at Denny’s] I’m gonna kill him.
The sole purpose of your child’s middle name….is so they know when they’re really in trouble
Just saw someone refer to a cat as a spicy dog…this is the only way now.
Therapist: do what makes u happy and don’t do what makes u sad
Me: so happy music makes me happy
Therapist: yea
Me: and sad music makes me sad
Therapist: yea
Me: and I’m sad
Therapist: yea
Me: therefore I should listen to sad music
Therapist: so close
My sister sent me a picture of us when we were teenagers with a caption “look how pretty you used to be”
Mechanic *looks up* Wow, you have a lot of problems, so much is wrong
Me: I know!
Mechanic: Your car’s fine though
Me: ok cool
I’m so used to sleeping on my right side that if I switch to my left, my insides feel like a room full of furniture trying to violently escape a haunted house.
There are 2 kinds of people in this world;
1. People who like math
A. People who hate math
3. People who really don’t understand math
Friend of mine confused IUD with IED and I couldn’t stop laughing
Raise your arms and run through the police crime scene tape like you’re finishing a marathon.