An old lady on the bus just tried to set me up with her daughter. Here’s everything she knows about me:
1) I don’t have a car
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Applebee’s boss: You’re fired!
Me: Wha? Why? Is it because I fixed the soup of the day?
AB: No, it’s because you keep saying “Eatin’ good in the neighborhood… if you know what I mean”
M: 😏
AB: Wait, what did you do to the soup?
Ever look at someone and think you could spend the rest of your life saying. “What?” to this person?
Always a bridesmaid, never the Brideslord, summoning the nation’s brides to war with a mighty blast of the brideshorn.
Sorry I used your baby’s bald head as a lipstick blotter.
I’m hearing terrible scratching noises coming from inside my walls and it better be demons because I can’t afford it to be squirrels right now
Pizza will never hurt your feelings.
*I accidentally fall onto my computer and it logs me into Facebook* crap
*I try to get up but fall again and it causes me to type in my ex’s name* dangit
*I fall yet again and comment “your baby looks cross-eyed” on his album* oh shoot
My computer keeps giving me an error message saying “The Printer Can’t Be Found.” Uh buddy it’s RIGHT NEXT TO YOU, HELLO
You don’t scare me, you’re not my trimmer with the bent teeth that someone dropped
GF: just FYI, my dad teaches at the Naval Academy
[meeting her parents]
ME: [lifting up shirt] does my belly button look weird to you?
Some ppl like I TRUST ONLY YOU WITH MY SECRET DONT TELL ANYBODY and then go tell it to 10 ppl
[first day as a pilot]
Me: we’re about to hit some mild turbulence and then a mountain
Wife: Do you love me just because my father left me a fortune?
Husband: Not at all honey, I would love you no matter who left you the money.
[in car with wife]
“did you take $20 from my purse?”
*sips $3 coffee* no
*gets rear ended and $17 worth of sour candy falls out of glovebox*
i don’t trust anyone who says they miss high school
😂😂
We need more names like Benedict Cumberbatch:
Omelet Easydozen
Florentine Pepperbatter
[first date]
Him: Why are you being so distant?
Me: Why didn’t you order a side of guacamole?
Fact: the lovable and cuddly panda bear is generally docile, but will shiv you for a can of Pringles.
me, sober: ugh, i’m never leaving my house again, people are trash.
me, after 3 beers: *on a megaphone* ATTENTION EVERYONE IN MY NEIGHBORHOOD I WOULD LIKE TO PAY YOUR ELECTRICITY BILL THIS MONTH
Washed out as a mathlete. Now I (secretly) call myself an algebranaut.
wife: what’s wrong?
slug: boss said I work slowly.
wife: he’s harsh. take it with a grain of-
slug: TAKE IT WITH A GRAIN OF WHAT, DIANE?
Facebook is no good for my mental health. *logs onto Twitter instead
The Never Ending Story should’ve been a movie about a phone call from my Mother
It’s important to get out of the house every once in a while to get excited about going home.
A collection of me turning into random objects.
Her: You secretly think you’re smarter than everyone else, don’t you.
Me: Secretly? No.
I hate when someone you love says mean things like, “It’s time to wake up.”
Celebrating a year since my bike got stolen and the wee boy put it on FB marketplace that evening and I stole it back the next day.
The fact that the overhead camera in front of my office is fake doesn’t stop me from giving it the finger on the way out every day.