Billy where is your homework? “im sorry Ms. Klein my dog- *sees dog in the window make a throat cutting motion* -gone cat ate it”
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I don’t understand how people use plastic wrap successfully.
Not sure what’s more creepy, sifting through the trash dressed like a clown at 3am…or my neighbor peeking out his window watching me.
Nobody needed expensive gym memberships in the 70s. They had rotary dial phones.
Weirdos gonna weird.
*waits for you to fall asleep*
*rolls out from under your bed*
*moisturizes your knees and elbows*
Miss Pissy Face and Mr Crabby Pants in HR told me I am not allowed to make up nicknames for my co-workers anymore.
Girls storing chips in their bras…pfft amateurs. I’ve got spaghetti and half a taco from this afternoon in there
A headhunter on LinkedIn wanted me to apply for a job as a bank manager. That’s quality recruitment work right there. Get the English major to run your bank.
I’m not entirely sure what numbers are. When I buy something, I just hand over an amount of money and hope it’s right.
My wife made me pack my own bag for vacation and now I have to figure out how to wear potato chips.
I turned to her and said “We’re all just seeking validation, aren’t we?” She just ignored me, stamped my parking ticket, and handed it back.
A man once asked me what autodefenestration meant. Avoiding the question, I jumped out a window.
I wear jogging pants underneath my running pants in case I need to slow down.
8 digit bank passcode is protecting my 3 digit bank balance 😂
Me: *nudges wife* Hey, are you sleeping?
Wife: *pumps shotgun*
What if the first tire-swing was left there as a warning to other tires?
When I’m drinking I wake up after a party, sore, going “what stupid things did I say?” When I’m not drinking I wake up after a party, sore, knowing exactly what stupid things I said.
Welcome to your 40’s: you’re older than your doctor now.
I think about this a lot
RoboCop: *about to arrest me*
Me: before you arrest me, which of these 9 pictures have cars in them
RoboCop: I’m going to let you off with a warning
Due to inflation the number of the beast is now 812. Please adjust your satanic rituals accordingly.
I don’t mean to brag but I stopped eating an incredible meal because I was full and didn’t need anymore.
Plot twist. When giving birth, women can finally understand how it feels like for a man to have a headache.
i wonder if the inventor of rotisserie chicken is turning in his grave
[first date]
HER: I’m a really big cat person
ME: *leans in really close* You don’t look anything like a cat
[last supper]
“Tonight, one of you will betray me for 20 pieces of silver.”
“30.”
“Sorry Judas?”
[sips wine]
“I didn’t say anything.”
Animal behavior can warn you when an earthquake is coming.
Like the night before the last earthquake,our dog took the car keys and drove off
the helium shortage is only being made worse by inflation
Made my daughter dinner last night and she told me it was really good as long as she took tiny bites and used lots of ketchup
Some parents sing the Clean Up song, but I just yell “I’m getting garbage bags you better hope you can pick up your toys faster than I can!”