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If you’re trying to lose weight but you’re starving, eat a banana. I’ve had 73 of them today
5: You guys picked me and 3 as your kids because we’re so good. You could have picked the bad kids that other parents chose.
Me to H: [whispers] Should we tell her that if we could have picked we would have chosen better kids than her and 3?
MTV canceled Teen Mom, so it’s like they had those babies for nothing.
*strums guitar*
This is a little ditty I’ve been working on called “Stop putting nuts in the god damn brownies”
Hope you like it.
“I was being bad last year and I STILL got presents from Santa Claus.”
-My 4yo completely embracing the Dark Side
ME: Hey Alexa, is bread a type of cheese?
Hitman that’s been hiding in my closet: [leaving my house] Ok you have your own thing going on.
If you’re wondering whether an orchid can survive a spin in the washing machine, my 2yo can now tell you it can’t.
Bad credit? No credit? First time buyer? First time baby? No legs? 8 legs? You a spider? Are you a Spider trying to buy a house?
Husband’s on fire today. He’s made lunch for us both and the smoke alarm’s just gone off.
Me: Will you please just SHUT UP!
Brain: Well damn, don’t come running to me when you forget how to spell CAT.
Husband: Where are Girl Scout cookies?
Me: We were robbed.
Husband: They only took the cookies?
Me: Well, that and the vase your mom gave us for the holidays. Weird, right?
It’s so weird being an introverted parent to an extroverted child because whenever I’m around town without her, strangers are like “hey, where’s Greta?” and I’m like you’re a random senior citizen in the coffee shop, how do you know my 4-year-old??
I really haven’t been feeling well since last night..here’s me and the hubby’s convo..
H- you’d better get to a doctor
Me: It hasn’t even been a full day
H: what? It’s been two days
Me: how do you figure?
H: today and yesterday
Me:
Death: I’ve come for you.
Me: That’s what she said.
D (bursts out laughing): You get me with that one every time! Ok, see ya.
Was getting into my electric car and a dude was like “I’ve heard those are worse than normal cars for the environment.”
“Oh yeah, way worse. That’s why I got it.”Just agree with people. They have nowhere to go.
A Roman walks into a bar and raises 2 fingers and says to the bartender…
“Five beers, please.”
Whoever said your harshest critic is yourself never had an 11 yr old daughter
[expensive restaurant date]
me: waiter, the William please
Spanish for wife – “esposa”
Spanish for handcuffs – “esposas”
Well played, Spanish
Lost my job at Tree Humpers anonymous for asking if everyone was ‘logged in’
If I could be Barbie, I wouldn’t care about having Ken, the dream house,or the Corvette. I’d just like being tall so I could reach everything.
Still thinking about the woman on the train I once saw wearing a lanyard that said “Sarah Hunter” and wondering how many Sarahs have died at her hands.
WIFE: i have a gynecologist exam today
ME: what?? i didn’t even know you were in med school
When you skip while carrying a can of gas people move out of your way. Even if you’re smiling. No one’s happy when you have gas.
the most bizarre thing about scientology compared to any other religion is that it was founded by a guy named “Ron”
I’m a little late to emojis. I can do heart (❤️) and I can do dinosaur (🦖), which pretty much covers any emotion I’m likely to have.
Me: Can I interest you in a nightcap?
Her: *blushing* sure
Me: What’s your hat size?
I just tried to make coffee with my air fryer, so TGIF
them: how are you
you: [desperately aware that herds are necessary for survival] normal
Apparently it’s “against church policy” to drop your kids off in the nursery and then go to brunch.