The worst design flaw of the human body is your asshole being able to perceive spicy.
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Heading to Lowe’s to pretend like I know wtf I’m doing.
my lawyer: “if you think of anything important write it down and pass it to me”
me: “ok”
[in court]
me: [passes him note]
DONALD DUCK AND WINNIE THE POOH COULD COMBINE WARDROBES AND STILL HAVE LITERALLY ZERO TROUSERS
my lawyer: “your honor the defense requests a 5 minute recess”
Pizzas make terrible but delicious gym towels
[spelling bee]
Your word is ’embarrassing’
“Oh I don’t mind, you can say it”
No, it’s really ’embarrassing’
“Ok, I promise not to laugh”
damn he’s good
*literally any business fails*
journalist: ahh yes, the millennials
Date a photographer. Then when it doesn’t work out you have new pics for your dating apps.
You can never be accused of overstaying your welcome, if you don’t go anywhere.
the highest compliment is someone asking for ur soup recipe and the highest ego swell is telling them there isn’t one
“What’s the most important thing that is missing from your sex life?”
Me: A partner
i cannot say the word synonym without sounding drunk.
[Apple meeting]
We need an honest iPhone 6 slogan.
“How about, iPhone 6: Yesterday’s technology at tomorrow’s prices.”
Too honest, Carl.
Autocorrect changed fries to friend and I think I’ve offered to eat my friend. I’m not sure if I should clarify, or see where it goes.
I have to go stand in line at Gamestop now because I had a careless night of unprotected sex 13 years ago and Halo 5 is out today.
I had a dream that IKEA offered a ride sharing service and nobody could figure out how to get out of the car.
I just love that new Pope smell.
If you look to me for any advice, what comes next, as well as any subsequent jail time, is on you.
Sony has a site where you can watch The Interview for $5.99 and I can’t think of a single reason not to trust them with my credit card info.
Let’s cut to the chase babe. I’ve only got a few DMs left.
Her: draw me like one of your French girls
Me, seductively: *puts her hand onto paper* this will be the perfect hand turkey
Everyone always wants to date the hot crazy chick…..Till you’re standing outside watching your house burn.
Investing in beetcoin
Officer: do you know why I pulled you over
Me: the warrant probably
Officer: you have a broken- what
Me: what
GOD: ask me anything
ME: why aren’t there middlecase letters?
GOD: *reaching for a button labeled “flood the earth again”*
all stores should have bathrooms in the front AND the back. the chances my kid will use the conveniently placed front bathroom when we first walk in are 0. The chances he’ll want to use one is when we’re 2 miles in the back of the store is 100.
All hugs are good hugs except bear hugs. A bear hug is like a regular hug except you die at the end…
Me: “Sorry I’m late. Car trouble.”
Him: “What kind of car trouble?”
Me: “It doesn’t go 200 miles an hour to compensate for my late start.”
LIFE HACK: eat a cookie evry time u hav a good idea. this asociates idea w/ cookie. now evry time u eat a cookie u will think of a good idea
“Whatcha doin’, Phil?”
“Some guy on the internet says he’ll pay fifty bucks a pop for beaver shots.”