Him: *whispering* you still awake
Me: *exhales loudly through harmonica*
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QUESTION: What were the very first straws made of? ANSWER: Straw.
Pigeons imply the existence of pigcenturies and pigmillennia.
I don’t ask a lot from an elevator, but if you can’t get the buttons right, what else did you screw up?
REAL LIFE JUNGLE BOOK
Chapter 1, Page 1:So Mowgli gets straight up eaten, like, right the heck away.
Yesterday’s me was confident enough to pack a bikini. Today’s me now has to live with that poor decision.
Me: *high af* omg is this an intervention
Wife: no it’s your birthday
Police: Cover me
Rookie: ok [pulls out guitar] Every little thing she does is magic
[Me to the second baseman after I slide into 2nd] Make sure u separate plastics & food waste
[Coach from dugout] NOT THAT KIND OF TRASH TALK
I can’t grab a drink with you after work. I am limiting my liquids since I am wearing a jumpsuit
My neighbor is mowing his lawn.
There is snow on the ground.
[locks doors]
A single text to my mom is like pulling that loose thread on a sweater.
When coining nicknames, be sure it reflects how that person has impacted your life. For example, my two sons Buzzkill and Third Mortgage.
Pro Tip: You can disable the surveillance camera in your microwave by heating a metal fork on the high setting for 7 minutes.
Is divorce spelled with one bottle of champagne or two?
corn maze employee: you can’t smoke in here
me: [flicking lighter] stand back, i’m popping my way out
GENIE: You can’t wish anybody would fall in love with you.
ME: What if everybody just disliked me less?
GENIE: Sure.
ME:
GENIE:
ME:
GENIE: Okay technically I should be able to do this but it’s not working.
My 5yo has come up with bedtime topics such as how elephants give birth, how the sun produces heat, and natural disasters.
I threw up in a porta potty at a Winger concert back in 88′ …. We did not have the internet back then so I’m telling you now.
Just realized that the group therapy I attended weekly for three years was actually the waiting room of a local optometrist.
I use a headshot from 2008 on my LinkedIn to prepare future employers for disappointment
Let’s raise our glasses. I’ll say something then we all touch glasses to acknowledge what I said. We’ll name this action after cooked bread
[spelling bee]
judge: your word is serendipity.
me: can you use it in a sentence.
judge: sure. gary googled the word serendipity.
Those gender reveal parties are getting crazier and crazier
10 out of 10 babies hate my baby launcher
HER: *making sexy eyes* did you just get back from the gym
ME: *sweating and out of breath from carrying groceries up the stairs* yes
Me: Excuse me Father, what’s the Wifi password?
Priest: We’re in Church!
Me: Oh I’m sorry. What’s the Wifi password, Amen.
Actually, I’d rather listen to your dog barking than you yelling at it to stop.
waiter: can i show you to the table
me: sure
waiter: here he is
table: [unimpressed noises]
Cop: Can you describe the man who hit you with a baseball bat?
Me: So you want me a paint a “pitcher” lol
Cop: ok at least we know why he did it
gimma back my stick frost man… 😖☃️