all stores should have bathrooms in the front AND the back. the chances my kid will use the conveniently placed front bathroom when we first walk in are 0. The chances he’ll want to use one is when we’re 2 miles in the back of the store is 100.
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4 dudes 1 kickflip #Skateboarding #skatetwitter
I’ve decided to try water tomorrow, I’m pretty excited.
Singing happy birthday when masked is no longer permitted until we determine who was beatboxing.
Preparing for Back to School season by getting my 5th grader a new wardrobe, new backpack, and helping him invent a Canadian girlfriend
Fool me once, shame on you.
Fool me twice, shame on me.
Fool me 85,432 times, you’re a weatherman
HERE’S A KID WITH NO ARMS AND NO LEGS AND HIS PARENTS ARE DEAD AND YOU’LL DIE SOON TOO, BUY THINGS.
– Super Bowl Commercials in a nut shell
No one has tried to kill me in awhile, and my body double is openly complaining the job I hired him for is less exciting than promised.
velma: this man has been dressing up as a ghost and haunting the amusement park at night
judge: look, that’s really weird but you were still trespassing on his property
anyone know what happened at the 2nd noel?
Why should I have to stop talking about my ex, a relationship that ended a mere year ago, when Hollywood won’t stop making movies about world war 2, a war that ended like 20 years ago?
I don’t feel bad ignoring the baby when she cries. If she really needs something, she should text me.
My children can go an entire day at home without a glass of water but only 30 seconds in the car before dehydration sets in.
#rubbishjokes
What’s black and white and makes a lot of noise?A panda with a set of drums.
Can someone please explain to me how we got to this point in Indian dramas?
Them: “Would you like to eat an entire loaf of bread?”
Me: “No thank you.”
Them: “What if we gave you a pot of cheese and a little poker and called it fondue?”
Me: “I’m in.”
your mom gives me a small baked snack. it’s on a napkin. idk where the trash can is so I just eat that too
Been walking like an Egyptian and need to visit a Cairopractor.
an impostor shall come to you
he shall speak pleasing words and promise you the world
but in his name you shall know him a fraud
*pokes head out of dressing room*
uh yeah, i can’t find a single bottle of ranch in here
From the looks of your eyebrows, your shock collar must have malfunctioned.
*5 yo on her kindergarten Zoom class*
Teacher: “So what do you do before joining our Zoom class?”
5yo: “My mommy hits me and says ‘do good!”
Me, no make-up, bagel crumbs on my face, unexpectedly joining the Zoom class: “SHE MEANS I HIGH FIVE HER HAND!!!”
i love leggings with pockets because i can carry my keys, two chicken burritos, and remnants of my dignity
Say “excrement” instead of “excellent”. Nobody will notice because people really don’t listen for shit.
Guys, when she complains about something you didn’t do, tell her about the things you did do. That will make everything ok!
You’re welcome!
Rejected Candy Hearts:
– Meh. You’ll do.
– You’ve done worse.
– STD Free
A forest fire is the world’s way of adding black trees to the forest community.
Another Twilight movie?God I hope Abraham Lincoln shows up and slays every last one of them.
5 cats in this house and not one will ride the Roomba WHAT A JOKE.
Hey girl, are you an extraterrestrial? Because your man’s out here denying you exist.
I’m old enough to remember the days of rolling blackouts. Admittedly, they were mostly caused by single malt, but still.