*Secretly duct-tapes boomerang to the back of his car*
Him: *Drives away*
Me: *whispers* “yeah, you’ll be back.”
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If you actually call it junk drawer you’ll stop putting stuff in it and another drawer becomes official junk drawer
My mother-in-law talked non-stop while we watched Criminal Minds and now I have an idea for a cool new episode.
Why I divorced her.
When a girl tells u about her favorite animal – “I’d eat one” is not the right response.
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My father has many healthy goats. All this can be yours.
Most of what I know about pre-communist Russia I learned from Boney M
Casting agent: If we hire you at SNL what would you like to accomplish?
Me: Staying up past 10:00.
The best thing about coming from a big family is being able to talk louder than normal people.
Judge: I’m disappointed to see you back in my courtroom.
Defendant: I’m disappointed to see you back in my courtroom.
J: Stop that.
D: Stop that.– repeat offenders
hey don’t shoot me, i’m just the messenger! oh the letter says to shoot me? okay th-
Me, at a romantic movie: pffft like that would ever happen
Me, at any other genre movie: YES I ABSOLUTELY ACCEPT THIS OUTLANDISH SCENARIO
I am the boss of me. And my wife is my boss’s boss.
Not a single parenting book prepared me for questions like, “Did oranges get their name from the color or did the color get its name from oranges?”
GYM
Man: “Can you spot me?”
Me: “Sure”
Man: *Throwing down towel* “Invisibility cloak my ass”
If I unfollow you, it’s because of the new follow button or because I don’t like you. Either way I am blaming the new button.
HER: I’m an animal activist.
ME: [trying to impress] My dog does 100 push-ups a day.
wife: *handing me a bowl of raspberries* we have to eat these before they go bad
me: that is true of literally every food
teacher: can anyone tell me what poor mental health looks like
me *raises hand*
teacher: yes good example
I was at an outdoor cafe in Chicago when two tiny beetles started having sex on my table, in broad daylight, like it was no big deal. That town is going to hell.
person on twitter: I’m being attacked right now!
me (played a lot of Age of Empires 2 in my formative years): im sending you some crossbowmen
Bank ads make me want to hide my money under my mattress.
They also make me want to acquire some money for hiding, but that’s a side issue.
Snow White succumbs to avian influenza as a message against the laziness of magically hiring animals to complete household chores.
First they came for the people who loaded the dishwasher incorrectly & I did not speak out.
Because they do my head in.
My creepy neighbour asked me if I think he’s creepy. The fact that he asked through my bathroom window after my shower just made it awkward
The best way to run into that hot person you’ve been dying to talk to is to leave the house looking the worst you possibly can.
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Why are dirty words only four letters. There should be at least one 19-letter word that’s so filthy you get grounded for a month.
Human babies are 75% water at birth, a slightly higher water content than bananas and slightly less than fresh potatoes.