Can someone please explain to me how we got to this point in Indian dramas?
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Me: pretty much any name can be unisex
My son Stephanie: I hate you dad
If I win Poweball we’re all gonna have a party with SOOO much cocai…cake!
I have read all the opinions on Will Smith and Chris Rock.
My conclusion is that people are irritating.
Seek kebab; not attention
6 pack abs on a guy are nice but it probably means that he won’t get drunk & rob a convenient store of cheese curls w/me at 3am, so no.
Kanye West tweeted that Bill Cosby is innocent?
This is the last straw.
He just lost my vote in 2020.
Him: Will you marry me?
Me: *sprays him in the face with silly string*
Woke up thinking I’d look good in yellow.
Nope, looks like I was eaten by a shredded wheat box.
Just like my overly critical mother, every time I see children I want to belittle again.
People ask what personal grooming products I use. I just get whatever is on offer in the supermarket, so this week cat food & grapes.
SCIENTIST: I’ve written several books on how to cure cancer.
PUBLISHER: would you be willing to curate?
SCIENTIST: ideally, I’d like to cure them all.
it’s really cute when pets sigh. like what ails u lil buddy
Should I ever become president everyone who uses the word “bae” will be sterilized.
Just when I’ve finally gotten everything cleaned and put in the dishwasher, my kid comes marching in with her museum collection of dishes and cups
Personal Trainer: Do you run?
Me: Only into people and places I’d rather not be.
Me at 5: I’ll be famous one day.
Me at 15: I’ll be successful one day.
Me at 25: I’ll take a great vacation one day
Me now: I’ll just eat this this sauerkraut straight from the can.
“Hey, people who cover their mouth when they laugh; noone is trying to steal your teeth”, i hiss through my very normal amount of teeth.
reply and i’ll guess how many slim jims you can carry without dropping
Nobody suspects that you’re digging a grave when you’re always working on your landscape.
I always have a suicide note in my shower so that i wont look stupid if i ever slip and crack my head
I’m no sadist. Some of my best friends are sad.
If a duckling is a baby duck, I don’t want to eat dumplings.
[Having a baby]
Me: That looks painful..
Wife: [grabs my shirt] TELL ME SOMETHNG I DON’T KNOW
Me: An ostrich’s eye is bigger than it’s brain
Not everyone in my family follows Apple news, my sister included
the best part about being a parent is explaining normal human behaviours to the small feral people, my favourite of which has been “we don’t pee our pants on purpose when we are mad”
Some day, you too, will meet someone you want to spend the rest of your days without
I mean I’m over it but I’m definitely going to bring it up again after a couple drinks
I had professional respect for you but then you said “recognizance” when you meant ‘reconnaissance.’
The “dining room”? Calm down, McDonald’s.
Nope, that’s a tampon. Another tampon. Tampon. Jesus, how many tampons do I have in here?!
-me trying to blindly grab the chapstick in my purse