My dad teaching me to drive
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its actually not that difficult to tell crocodiles and alligators apart. one will see you later and one will see you in a while
It’s like this Bartender doesn’t even realize he’s my date now.
doctor: describe your average night
me: they wear suits of armor
doctor: no I mean at bedtime
me: they probably take it off
People who put a strip of bacon on a donut, where does it end? You wanna put a braised lambshank on my cupcake? Why don’t I open up my chocolate croissant and you can shove a live trout in it
Room with a view.
It’s just a matter of time before they add the word “Syndrome” after my last name.
My son asked my 7yo how she would survive a bear attack and she replied she would try to be his friend, thus making her the most adorable of my children but also the least likely to survive an encounter with an actual bear.
I would enjoy running errands much more if there were beds I could nap in strewn about
Why do people brag about having tall kids, like relax dude all you did was have sex
Kids be quick to tell YOU when you need something from the grocery but call THEM from the grocery and have ‘em check for you and they act like they don’t know what sausage is
I distinctly remember back in January saying “I wish I could spend more time home.”
To all of you I deeply apologize for not saying “world peace”.
Just got my Facebook account suspended for reading a full article before I shared it.
Me: I could survive in the wild.
Wife: It took you 9 minutes to open a bag of chips.
Hopefully wild game isn’t wrapped in plastic.
Them: Why are you single?
Me: *flashes back to the time I went out with a really tall guy and couldn’t stop laughing because I could see up his nose* It’s a mystery, really.
if your name is Christy and you’re fighting a custody battle in Orlando. fire your lawyer bc I found your whole case file at the bar last night.
Whenever I’m about to give a speech in front of an audience, I imagine myself naked.
Wait, what
Christmas movie tip. If you watch Die Hard straight after Love Actually, Alan Rickman will be punished for what he did to Emma Thompson.
I was asked to distress some pine furniture, so I told a bookcase that I was going to convert it into firewood.
retweet this to electronically sign my petition to ban windmills worldwide . we’ve had enough bird casualties . and for what ?more wind ?
Mugger: give me your wallet and you won’t get hurt
Me: *handing over wallet* wanna be my friend?
Mugger: no
Me: *taking wallet back* but you said :’(
dog: [watching me take a shit] awkward, isn’t it
*window shutter falls off my house* we’re gonna need more command strips.
What idiot called it a witch hunt and not the War on Seance?
Not sure what a Shakira coochie board is but white people really like it
Today is the one day I don’t get weird looks from people for carrying around my pillow case full of chocolates.
I mean, if Marie Antoinette didn’t want her head cut off, maybe there should’ve been actual cake.
~ Why I was kicked off the debate team
turtle after a first date: want to walk me home well this is me
Absorbing the other one is easy in the womb. It gets progressively harder to eat your twin as you both grow older.
I exposed my kids to comedy in the womb. I was hoping it would get me a better delivery.
putting lotion on isn’t making your skin any less dry because you’re only addressing a symptom and not the source of the problem. You gotta drink that shit