Before you judge a woman, walk a mile in her shoes. After that who cares? She’s a mile away and you’ve got her shoes.
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the first episode of house of the dragon focusses on the dragon applying for a mortgage
One thing about me, I’m a clear communicator
I hear all these Trump supporters saying they support him because he speaks his mind. Well you know who else speaks his mind? My 4 year old.
“why do women always take sooo long to put their makeup on?” because makeup is war paint for Being In Public, clearly
Out of all the places I could choose, a music festival would have to be my favourite place to perspire with 10,000 strangers.
“HOW” – dyslexic owl
Unexpected Judgment
Geez, I’m so sorry…I’m not normally ticklish.
(me to the nail lady I just kicked in the face during my pedicure)
Mistakes married men make:
1. Doing things.
2. Not doing things.
3. Thinking about doing things.
4. Not thinking about doing things.
broke my arm doing a trust fall during a team building zoom meeting
I used my husband’s shoes to check the mail and was immediately compelled to ask the neighbor kids why they trust the trees since they’re so shady
Did it hurt? When you saw the candy you bought yesterday going half price
BARBER: So what do you do?
ME: I’m a writer, and you?
BARBER:
ME:
BARBER: I’m a barb—
ME: Barber, right, yes.
Everybody complaining about how old Biden is, but not ONE person suggesting a viable plan to make him younger. Smh
You ever in a public place and overhear something and look around to see if the person looks as stupid as they sound?
Facebook’s forever reminding me about people’s birthdays like I sell cakes😒😒.
Neighbor was watering her plants as if they owed her money like how would YOU like to be waterboarded lady
[being murdered]
Me: did you get that knife out of the dishwasher
Murderer: …yes
Me: and you didnt empty it
Murderer:
[murder roles reverse]
Impress them on your first date by showing up in a shirt with their face on it.
so my neighbor and i both had mouse sightings this week. here’s how our landlord responded:
Men are from Mars. Women are from Venus. Gays are definitely from Saturn. You know the only planet chic enough to accessorize with a belt.
The “Is it a bird? Is it a plane” trope makes it canon that Superman flies in a T-pose
My kid wants to cuddle with her piggy bank at night. I think I’m raising Mr. Krabs
In France they call Mr. Bean Monsieur Legume
If you’re using public transport never give up your seat to an old lady…
That’s how I lost my job as a bus driver.
My son used to check under the bed for monsters. So once I hid under there – so he’d see me and laugh. Anyway, child therapy is pricey.
Psychiatrist: what are your future goals?
Me: I can’t tell you because you’ll try to stop me
Guys, please recycle. We wanna leave a better world for Betty White when we’re gone.
breakfast, the most important beer of the day
[if I acted in real life the way guys do online]
*running up to interrupt 2 guys I don’t know, super out of breath* hey, just wanna let you know that joke you made earlier sucked big time