I sleep with a water gun near my bed, in case of cat burglar.
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Dad: listen to me son: don’t ever let anyone tell you what to do
Son: okay
Dad: *slams fist* WHAT DID I JUST SAY
Meet Brian, my monkey butler. He’s gonna help out around the office.
*Monkey flinging office equipment out the window*
Brian hates clutter.
7 year resume gap marked “Not Drugs”
[at the doctors]
me: *opens wide and goes ahh*
proctologist: how the hell r u doing that?
Here me out, Jurassic Barbie.
me: excuse me but is the pilot vaping?
flight attendant: no there’s a fire in the cockpit
me: oh thank god
Just cleaned my room 7 months ago and it’s dirty again.. this is bullshit
People wonder why I move to a new place every couple years. The truth is, I’m being chased by a snail with a grenade and a vendetta.
Inventor of wicker furniture: I want this to break and injure someone eventually
back in the day nobody sent birthday messages, you had to mail out party invites and wait 3 weeks to discover 80% of your friends hate your guts
I took down my front door because I got sick of having to kick it down every time I come home with a handful of groceries and my keys are in my pocket.
#AmazingFacts
Failure is not an option,it comes bundled with your Windows 10 software.
this is the kind of chaos i demand from a pharmacy
Waiter *looks at empty chair opposite me* are you waiting for a friend?
Me: Yes *lowers voice* is this how you get one?
I’ve never used survival skills while lost on a hike in the woods, but once I ate 3 Snicker’s Bars trying to find my way out of a Walmart.
With all due respect, your kid sneezed on me first.
INTERVIEWER: Under special skills, you wrote “I ain’t afraid of no ghosts”
ME: *sweating profusely* Yeah why, do any ghosts work here?
My 9-year-old is very passionate about learning to play the piano. She’s even more passionate about learning to play the piano at 6:37 in the morning.
dog: why can’t I see colors?
me: you’re visually impaired.
dog: what’s impai?
Jerk chicken is just regular chicken that didn’t let it’s daughter go to prom
Changed my outgoing voicemail message to “You have reached the government.”
Me: I’m totally getting used to this
Husband: getting used to what?
Me: you know not doing my hair, and stuff
Husband: again getting used to what?
[Silence]
Me: I hate you
me: what’s your sign?
chef: spisces
Never trust someone who acts as if nothing happened when you meet them right after you had an amazing dream about them.
I don’t claim to understand the science behind it, but I can absolutely state with one hundred percent certainty that I am playing a key role in the ongoing survival of the human race by making sure that each and every morning, without fail, I put my left shoe on before my right.
ME: Thanks for seeing me. Whenever I asked my father for help with these issues he’d just ask me if I tried sucking less.
THERAPIST: That’s horrible.
ME: Yeah.
THERAPIST:
ME:
THERAPIST: Have— *clears throat* have you tried that though?
Ian: “I’d like to report my guide dog missing.”
Cop: “Right. When did you last see him?”
Ian: “I’ve never seen him.”
I wouldn’t have to stash these leftovers in my bra if this dress had pockets
[helping son prepare for first date]
“what if she doesn’t like it”
*stuffing handkerchiefs up son’s sleeve* be confident in your magic, son
“No, no, I’m fine. This is how I live now.”
-Me laying face down on the floor