Tried to touch my husband’s face and he tattled on me to his mother.
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My wife called me from her job at the Velcro factory.
She’s stuck at work again.
“Watch what happens when the human children hear the sound of their mother eating something four rooms away.”
-if animals made nature shows
my widow: I remember how he drank eight glasses of water a day
[elsewhere]
crematorium worker: WHY ISN’T HE BURNING
ME: [walking down the street clearly counting with my fingers]
WIFE: you could just-
ME: I’m not paying for another Fitbit, Jenn
The longer you’re a parent the harder it is to act excited when people tell you they’re pregnant.
I hate how early it gets dark now.
Alaska: LOL
FLORIDA MAN SUFFOCATED TO DEATH AFTER HAVING SEX WITH PET ANACONDA
If you’re a couple who sit on the same side of the booth, I’mma slide into the empty seat and eat your fries. Stop creeping everyone out.
A lot to unpack here…
But…girl rabbits don’t either.
Also…does Christ lay eggs?
It seems I need to also make a list of all the cities I’m not going to, because every time I post my tour schedule, people ask about the cities NOT on the list.
I fill the pantry with healthy snacks and then get mad when we don’t have any junk food in the house.
ME: *reads war and peace*
SCHRÖDINGER: *nods approvingly*
We never got the wreath, but we put up the hanger. This shows intent.
My husband and I play this game where we buy potato chips the other one doesn’t like so we don’t have to share.
If you think my tweets are strange you should hear the squirrel’s side of the conversation.
So Ive started a sarcasm club.
It would mean the world to me if you joined.
Bought coffee flavoured ice cream hoping the kids would hate it and I could have it all but NOPE! Joke’s on me!
Curse you,
gloriously divine Häagen-Dazs in literally any flavour.
“I need a woman who can help me grow”
First of all, I’m not Fertilizer.
Why did they call it a fake Rolex and not a Fauxlex send tweet
Americans who pronounce Z like Ted are given Canadian citizenship, free Timbits for life, and one pet baby moose.
Interviewer: Do you have any special skills?
[Me, attempting to remove stapled sheets of paper with a sword]: no
Hearing those four little words always makes my day.
“Your order just shipped.”
*goat walks into a bar
*bartender sets down a beer coaster
*goat eats itgoat: Hit me again.
The downside of having friends who love sarcasm and irony is that when we make plans I’m never entirely sure we really made plans.
Blackberry just announced a new CEO, but the most newsworthy part of this story is that Blackberry still exists.
Wife: *working a crossword* Seven letter word for female.
Me: Ironman
Wife: Get out!
Why do people say raw sewage. Saying raw makes it sound like it becomes better if cooked properly.
A collection of me turning into random objects.
2019: no carbs
2020: eats a loaf of Wonder Bread out of the bag like it’s popcorn at the movies