Say what you will about the state of the world, but now feels like a really good time to start marketing my C̶u̶l̶t̶ C̶o̶m̶m̶u̶n̶e̶ Adult Summer Camp
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I always carry a knife with me in case my mugger is made of cake.
My bluetooth headphones just paired with a car driving by like they were trying to escape
It turns out that you can only spray so many people down with Febreze before they fire you as a Wal Mart greeter.
GOD: (creates earth) hell yea lizard planet!
WINDOWS™: restart planet for important updates
GOD: um ok
*dinos die, man appears*
GOD: wtf
calling in to work dehydrated
Tape a terrible drawing of a refrigerator onto your child.
I’ve been walking on eggshells at work lately. My employer claims it’s cheaper than installing new carpeting.
Keep yourself entertained during quarantine by taking daily mail comments and putting them on New Yorker cartoons to create your own satirical comics.
11yo: why are you doing dishes with your jeans undone?
me: no sweetie. It’s; YAY MOMMY! YOU GOT THOSE JEANS ON!
Target can refuse you a job, but they can’t stop you from asking the guests in dressing rooms if everything’s fitting ok
Accidentally opened the Facebook app and now I’m in three pyramid schemes.
The 5 Most Important Films (and the Life Lessons They Teach)
1. Armageddon (space is scary)
2. Jaws (the ocean is scary)
3. Terminator 2 (the future is scary)
4. My Girl (bees are scary)
5. Weekend at Bernie’s (putting sunglasses on a corpse and taking him jet-skiing is fun!)
DAD GUIDE ON HOW TO WATCH A MOVIE:
1) put on a movie
2) don’t watch it
3) read a book
4) every time something happens ask what happened
Be the reason why you need two priests at your exorcism.
Me: Are the bowling trophies included?
Realtor: Haha
Me: …
Realtor: …no, they aren’t
Me: I’m not interested then
Me: I’m on a diet.
Random: a diet is just what you eat. Technically everyone is on a diet.
Me: do you want to go fishing? Don’t worry about what the bucket and bags of cement are for.
If a guy runs his fingers through your hair, there is a 33.3% chance you are being used as a napkin.
My kid talks a lot of shit for someone who bites his finger whenever he eats fries
One thing that bothers me about vampire novels is that vampires are essentially just very old people. They should act like it.
I want to see a sexy vampire who looks like they’re in their 20’s go on a rant about Woodrow Wilson while chewing hard candies.
my proudest tweet
I don’t think my blind date was blind, she read the menu and caught the basketball I threw at her
With every wisdom tooth lost, your mouth gets a little stupider.
detective: there are hundreds of footprints at this crime scene
crooked centipede cop: [sweating] must have been a hundred murderers
Every toddler is a budding artist when you give them a peanut butter & jelly sandwich.
Me: I love you
Wife: I will testify against you if required
“The world is finally getting back to normal”
Omicron:
You let a man into your life and now you’re irritated before 9 am
Receptionist: The doctor will see you now
Me *shuffles further behind cabinet* better?
Receptionist: Yes but shh he’s coming