ME: Hi, I’ve got my hearing test today
LAWYER: I keep telling you it’s not a test
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Excuse me, waiter, there is a spy in my soup. It fell out of the balloon in the sky.
Therapy: Expensive
saying “ew” out loud to anything or anyone that opposes you: Free
I feel this so hard
I’m not that toxic
*glows in the dark*
Mom: *points to my yearbook photo* What a nerd, right?
BF: Haha your hair!
Me: *quietly* It was raining the day we took faculty pictures
A large, angry man accosted me in the street earlier — demanding my money…
Fortunately, I’ve watched a lot of Scooby Doo — and, so, adopted the manner of a dictatorial French barber. And, whilst the man grudgingly seated himself for an impromptu trim, I made my escape.
OH NO I DROPPED MY THERAPY HOT DOG
Me: My wife says I never pay attention
Her: I’m not your wife
I sat down beside this guy in a diner, every time he went to take a bite of his sandwich I’d say nomnomnom. He left. Making friends is hard.
Mom: Cousin Julie works at Google
She marrying a doctor in JuneMe: I got 7 bags of Xmas candy at half price
Mom:-
Me:THAT’S LIKE 50% OFF
For a kid, that moment when you accidentally called your teacher “mommy” was always really embarrassing. I just wish it hadn’t happened when I was a senior in college.
the human says there are two options. inside or outside. but if they would simply. elevate their mindset. they would uncover a third option: stand in the doorway. and sniff the air
sorry for the inconvenience but the park will be closing for one hour because we accidentally made one of the dinosaurs too big
Flight attendant: Is there a Dr. on this flight?
Dad: that should’ve been you
Me: Not now Dad
Dad: Maybe you can flippy Mctwisty him back to health
Me: Dad, there’s an emergency
Dad: use your “always special” cheat code
Me: But we’re in first class and I paid for our flight
With less than 1 day to go..
Mummy, I want everything that is art in the whole world for Christmas. Ok?
I just drank an entire bottle of wine and feel the urge to help someone with math homework and declare that laundry piles are now furniture.
daughter: can i keep the night light on?
me: and provide the monsters with a beacon to your location? use your head, sweetie
I wish the Popemobile was outfitted more like a little aquarium for him. Put a treasure chest in there, maybe even a scuba guy.
WIFE: Having your phone in your jeans pocket will make you infertile & stop us having more kids
ME: *shoves 10 phones & microwave in pocket*
The pizza theorem:
“Pizzas must be circular. They must be cut
into triangles and put into square boxes”-Science
I think my husband left me. I woke up and he’s gone. He better have taken these kids.
I live in a high crime neighbourhood if you count downloading gardening shows illegally.
(My romance novel)
“You have a pretty face,” he said.
“Thank you,” she said, lifting up her bangs. “I’ve got even more face under here.”
Someone in this world has consumed more mayonnaise than anyone else currently alive and they don’t even know it
Boy, are you a destination wedding? Cuz I can’t come.
first time in subway and the worker took a picture of my order 😭😭 am I doing this wrong
My brother dropped my MacBook and the screen got slightly cracked, so I’m giving it away for free if anyone’s interested
Specifications:
Age : 11
Weight : 25Kgs
Healthy so far.
I just screamed at the dog to pitch in and do more to help us through this crisis like the WW 2 generation. How’s everyone else holding up?
I’m just a girl, standing in front of half a pizza thinking it’s been long enough since I ate the 1st half to consider this a different meal
Me: Forgive me father for I have sinned. I’m here to cleanse my conscience.
Bartender: So…the usual?