Baby, tonight let’s put the kids to bed, pour some wine, turn the lights down low & argue over whose turn it is to move the Elf on the Shelf
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Long underwear is the fur that God forgot to give us.
Before you start pushing and shoving “older” folks in a crowd, remember Gen X perfected the mosh pit, and you’re gonna be in for more than you bargained for
my buddy: hey nick you want a beer?
the t1000 impersonating me: nah im good
my buddy: cool cool…. (slowly reaches for a shotgun under the counter)
“Dad, are we pyromaniacs?”
” Yes, we arson.”
#HatDadJoke
When my boss is mad and takes it out on me, I do less work.
Can’t reward bad behavior with a positive response.
Training works both ways
the cat won’t stop drinking out of my water glass I have tried everything I have tried “hey” and even “Hey”
A new house isn’t a home until you’ve let a bag of salad die in the fridge
So glad my cats are trained to check if I’m sleeping o.k. every 10 minutes starting g at 4 am.
America: Japanese ads are extremely weird
Also America: *airs commercials about toilet paper obsessed bears that are constantly shitting*
*unfurls blueprint*
Ok here’s how I’m gonna make tonight about me.
indiana jones: time to explore ancient caves, fight nazis, and seek treasure
idaho jones: time to eat potatoes again
Do not stop by my house unexpectedly then act surprised when I answer the door in my underwear eating baked beans straight from the can.
Once I get enough sleep and reduce my caffeine intake, it’s over for you twitches.
Italian names sound delicious. Even Mussolini, sounds like a fried cheese that ends up oppressing your digestive process. #Italians
it was the best of times, it was the cursed of times
[getting murdered]
I hope this makes it on true crime TV.
Okay. What I don’t get is, is dressing up as a ghost and scaring people away from your amusement park actually illegal? Just because some teenagers and a dog say so?
I got hit on by a 23 yr old today, like wtf am I supposed to do with her? Give her lunch money?
I think all the cats in my neighborhood have started a gang. I’ve been seeing a lot of mouse related graffiti lately.
R.I.P. 2013 (2013-2013)
I was on my way to the gym and this strong gust of wind blew me into a McDonald’s and 3 Big Macs fell in my lap.
Him: Are you ready?
Me: *didn’t even know we were going anywhere* Um yeah almost.
I ate the last Hot Pocket and left the empty box in the freezer. I think it’s time my kids learn how that shit feels
*A tiny bee’s eyes widen while putting on his tuxedo for his big day* “did you say Honeymoon”
Bologna is spelled like its being shouted by an alcoholic.
The best and most reliable advice I can offer is add bacon.
HOW TO SURVIVE A BEAR ATTACK:
STEP 1: buy a recliner
STEP 2: buy some beer
STEP 3: stay home and watch tv instead of going into the woods
ME: you look great tonight
DATE: the average woman eats six to nine pounds of lipstick over her lifetime
ME: [nervously flipping thru menu] i don’t think they serve that here
rolls sleeve
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rolls sleeve
-Octopus preparing for a fight
Dress for the job you want, not the job you have. Better yet, dress for jobs that don’t even exist. Werewolf psychiatrist. Clown assassin.