My therapist says I should delete my account and meet real people, but she’s still on Facebook so what does she know.
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You want me to respect scientists. The people who almost killed E.T.
Her: you’re damaged goods
Me *thinking*: she thinks I’m good!
[during mosh]
me: excuse me, sorry, excuse me, im sorry, my fault, sorry
Well, lookie there. Bring a cheesecake to a gunfight and suddenly EVERYBODY wishes you’d brought a knife.
Yoda, seeing himself in 4K:
HDMI
Guys I’ve misplaced one of my gold cubes, please let me know if it turns up.
Dissecting someone who’s really cute is an awwwtopsy.
My dog sets an impossible bar on how to greet my wife when she comes home.
A woman isn’t really heartbroken unless she does something drastic to her hair.
Everybody’s talking about the super obnoxious drunk guy at the bar last night. I was at that same bar and I didn’t even notice him. Weird.
Five Guys cashier: I’m sorry sir, we actually just ran out of buns. Would you still like to order?
Anaconda: I don’t want none, hon.
One time i saw a man eat a whole apple, core and everything. Motherboard and power supply too. The man ate a computer it was horrifying
One plain pizza plz
“Ok, one cheese pizza”
No cheese
“Um ok, sauce only”
No sauce
“But that’s just crust”
*excited quacking from trenchcoat*
Have a blessed Friday, may it be filled with…
Sex so kinky your foam mattress has to repress the memory.
My timeline is flooded with ads for push up bras. I know I’m out of shape but that’s just mean, Twitter.
I just got ripped to shreds by an extremely old man. I got on the elevator from the basement of my building and he got on too. I said “going up?” And he said “certainly. Can’t go down from here” old man I was trying to be polite why you gotta clown me like that
If you, don’t know, how, to properly use a comma don’t use, them ok.
PHYSICIST: There are infinite universes, more than you can imagine
ME: That means there exists a universe in which all my tweets are funny
PHYSICIST: Not that many
[Bar]
HOT WOMAN: You know…my bed is kinda cold when I’m in it on my ownME: Well maybe I could help you with that *leans in* just put a small heater by the side of your bed
[3 days later]
ME: [spits out coffee] DAMN IT
Damn what did I do next
Now, where’s the sport in that?
“I may have to take you up on that,” I say to a person I will never speak to again.
coworker: that’s a great ugly Christmas sweater
me *in my regular sweater*: thanks
Finding out that the majority of microplastics come from tire dust should be a call to rethink our push for electric cars, and consider the environment-friendly potential of moving castles
At no single point in the Bible does it tell you not to sell drugs
Given their destructive force to homes, kids’ birthday parties should get names like hurricanes do. Birthday Party Hugo.
Husband: *Grabs a pillow off the couch* Did we get new pillows?
Me: Uh huh, last year, when we got the new couches