I looked out the window to enjoy the beautiful view of our mountains. I then looked over to the left toward the end of our driveway and I see my 10 yo and 8 yo. They were twerking whenever cars came by.
We have to move now.
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Hey rappers, if you have to keep reintroducing yourself then you’re not a very good rapper.
[trying to unhook a bra]
*kung fu noises*
mercenary: do you want this schrödinger guy dead or alive?
cat: *narrows eyes* yes
“Give me the bad news, Doc–how long have I got?”
“Your wife’s procedure will be an outpatient one so unfortunately you can’t go to Vegas.”
*dances with wolves
*wolf asks to be my man
*I become bae o’ wolf
RACCOON: I’m being burglarized
911: can u describe him
RACCOON: he’s wearing a mask
911: maybe he’s your
RACCOON: nevermind, it’s my husband
If you’re bored and looking for something to do this weekend, a reminder that you should not start running for president
I heard a girl telling people that when you cook French toast, you’re supposed toast the bread first and we can’t just be letting people go around spreading this kind of hateful misinformation
I lost a contact at the gym and while I was searching for it people started gathering around and long story short I teach yoga now.
If you want to rob a white person, just say: “Stop, collaborate, and listen,” then steal their stuff while they rap the rest of the song.
ANGEL: Customer service, how can I help you?
SNAKE: *glaring at millipede* Can I speak to your supervisor?
Hey boy, are you an Amazon wish list?
Because I want you so bad, but will forget about you when I sign out.
If I did one of those wine and paint nights the instructor would be like wow look at you, you are really good at wine.
#HighSchoolTaughtMe how to solve any math word problem
Keep your friends close and your enemies tied to a train track.
I told my son to go pick up the dog poop and he slowly looked at his dad, “I would if the lawn was mowed.” He got real brave with that.
Oh sure, a 3yo can get candy for not pooping their pants, but when I demand wine for successful defecation, I get sent home by HR.
I’ll be spending some time on my other account.
Be back later.* if I’m not back later please read the message above again*
[first day as a billionaire]
Me: I’ll take 300 egg mcmuffins and a small cup of your finest coke zero
I finally got my 11yo interested in a sport, and all it took was hiring a pretty 16yo girl to coach him.
Wife: “Did you lock the backdoor?”
Me: “Yes I did.”
Burglar from downstairs: “No he didn’t!”
Let’s play the Rihanna drinking game! We’ll drink a shot of vodka every time she says ‘work’.
[2 minutes later]
*house is on fire*
Why do we never see “Side effects may include spontaneous happiness, explosive giggling, uncontrollable hugging, and diarrhea”?
[picking out a washing machine]
how many watermelons can this hold?
“uhh I dunno, 11?”
only 11?
*keeps walking to next one*
how many waterme
I just wished a Bride-to-be good luck on her first marriage.
She didn’t seem to appreciate my sincerity.
Inflation is definitely out of hand when hot cross buns are £1.25 for 4 when they used to be 1 a penny, 2 a penny.
My Dad has accidentally bought 60 pairs of reading glasses off the internet after misreading the quantity of his order.
[first day at mcdonalds]
guy: can i get a large fry
me: you mean like a potato
I optimistically invited guests for this weekend while my house was unusually clean and now a week later I see why that was a mistake
Bought a standing desk yesterday. Today I bought a bar stool.