[peels off pepperoni]
she loves me[peels off pepperoni]
she loves me not
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Don’t drive me crazy… unicycle me there. Show some originality, man!
What do you mean my back has experienced trauma and needs time to recover? It hasn’t seen combat, I just bent over.
I think Argentina is quite capable of deciding who it wants to cry for. Stop being so bossy Eva.
VHS tapes used to be like: “FBI WARNING if you make a copy of this tape we will hunt you down and KILL you. Now please enjoy this special presentation of Walt Disney’s Flubber”
space horror is the best horror. what’s out there? no one knows! big rocks. creepy things. sticky things. math! stuff on fire. big holes. big holes with math in them.
Leo: You will unwrap a package of Pop Tarts and none of the corners will have fallen off. This is how you will know you died in your sleep.
Netflix needs a notification that says ‘Do you want to watch something or not?’ for when couples are taking too long to decide
no mom you don’t get it I used “you’re” instead of “your” as a joke to be ironic on the internet. yes I realize it makes me look silly. no mom colleges don’t care about that. they aren’t gonna look at my twitter. ok. ok yes I understand. im sorry I’ll delete it. I love you too
Hey morons, when in doubt, just spell it “theiyr’re.”
I put my fitbit on my ankle so that when I’m out in public I look like a felon who escaped house arrest and people won’t want to talk to me
Wife: Our dog was put down and then my husband died, it was tough
Medium *nodding* he was the love of your life
Wife: Yes of course!
Medium: He has something to say to you
Wife: omg go on
Medium: woof
white people in horror movies when they find an ancient book with written spells: it’s time to read this out loud. i am not capable of reading this in my head or closing the book. i must shout it from the rooftops with a megaphone
One day I hope the bravery of the people who initiate clapping is recognized.
tall people make me nervous. what the hell are you doing up there? stop eating the leaves off that tree
It’s always a good idea to make friends with babies. That’s free cake once a year for a lifetime.
You repeat the same mistakes expecting different results. I do this also
We are not the sane
I like to say something disgusting which makes someone else say something more disgusting then I call them a pervert.
giv a man a fish adn he’ll say “wat is this i ordered a mcflurry”
teach a man to fish adn he’ll say “how ar u the manager of this mcdonalds”
Four stages of my life:
1. Life is beautiful.
2. What is twitter?
3. Twitter is beautiful.
4. What is life?
genie: make a wish
bob: I wish I was rich
genie: your wish is granted
rich: thank you
My son told me there’s a wee boy who comes into his room at night & plays with him.
A shiver ran down my spine, then I remembered I have another son & it’s probably him
This took me a second..
Maybe we should put monkeys in charge for a while just to see how it goes.
Before I got married people told me how hard the first few years are but not ONE person prepared me for him saying “I love you, no I love you more” over and over again to the dog every day when he leaves for work.
I lie in the bath for hours.
But I try to tell the truth the rest of the time.
Bike for sale
I sure talked a lot of shit about my mom’s bathrobe for someone who now wears one around the house like Snape storming through Hogwarts
I have pictures of random children in my house. When my kid misbehaves I gently remind him of the brothers & sisters that came before him that are no longer part of the family.
WIFE: You overreact to everything!
ME: [phones police]
My wife and I are walking through Central Park and pointing out all of the places that we remember seeing dead bodies on Law & Order.