a Land Before Time reboot but it’s displaced polar bears on a journey to antarctica to eat an endless supply of penguins
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“You’re not like the other girls.”
“Yeah, that’s pretty much how this works. We’re literally all different ones.”
I don’t understand why my coworkers always complain when I microwave my favorite meal: curry salmon stuffed with burnt popcorn.
Unless you’re turned on by a description of a homeless person under a bridge don’t ask me what I’m wearing.
We have a local weatherman who often forecasts “changeable skies.” He makes a lot of money to make that call.
I think it’s a bad sign that when 9 tries to play charades, everyone’s first guess is “constipation.”
Every animal: how will we see things that are behind us?
God: just turn around
Almost every animal: ok
Owl: I absolutely will not
There should be a place on the organ donor card that lets you leave your middle finger to a person you hate.
So I’m enjoying the cinematography and outfits but the script could do with a few more jokes.
#Coronation
Whoever first said “No news is good news” never had their cable & Internet go out for two days
supermarket employee [scanning 34 different types of cheese]: you sure do like cheese
me [nervously looking at my shirt pocket where a mouse pointing a gun at me is sitting]: cheese
A chain lock on a door is just there to annoy the person who is breaking in to kill you, right?
Me, pointing at your baby: Hey, your potato just barked at me
I quit enjoying makeup sex when I realized he looked better in mascara and blush than I do.
When people say they are fairly certain, I immediately picture a county fair, and imagine clowns were involved in their decision making process.
I want to be gangsta but my grandma said no
Educated Twitter about to come and differentiate for us between an earthquake and tremor.
We don’t care…as long as there is shaking.
My pet snake took my kid’s disappearance so hard, he’s gained 110 lbs since last week.
Rules for meeting a puppy:
1 be cool
2 pet it
3 do not steal it
4 stop running from the owner
5 put it down
6 this isn’t worth jail time
My kid: *does something cute*
Me: That’s great, sweetie, now please can you do it again in a cleaner part of the house so I can take a photo?
The teenage boy cashier just told my wife that her tampon coupon is expired…and all of Target went silent.
snow white broke into a house in the woods and did chores. wow, boring. goldilocks, the true hero, broke in to a house, made some judgements, and then took a nap. i have no notes
Cop: seen anything unusual?
Me: a dolphin with a hat once
Cop: I mean around here
Me: nah they live in water
[first day as magician]
Me: *pulls rabbi out of hat* Sorry, forgot my tea this morning
Only love will set you free, and bolt cutters. Bolt cutters will do it
Saw an old girlfriend at the grocery store today so I put one of those big bags of almonds in my cart to make her think I was rich.
I’ve got nothing against kids, I just don’t understand why you’d want indoor kids.
Expiration date? More like spoiler alert.
Everyone: backing into parking spaces is stupid
Person who backs into parking spaces: the world is not ready for my level of ingenuity
I could never do time in prison – The handshakes are way too complicated.
Kids today dont know how good they have it, with their tablets and iPads. When I was their age all I had was lice.